Why can't things just be simple? Why can't I be like Antigone?
I made the effort of going to where P is tonight. I was hesitant to go only because I haven't brushed my teeth since yesterday because so typical of me, I forgot to bring my toothbrush. But I had to. And I didn't know what to do. He is mesmerizing and perfect and wonderful and I am this. I am average. I am an intimidated commoner in love with a masterpiece.
I liked a status of his on Facebook for the first time tonight. Just to show that I care. It's a small gesture yet also a grand one on this day and age. People take these things seriously. I hope I don't push him away eventually.
I am sleepy and hungry. The healthiest thing to do would be to sleep and yet here I am.
Must take better care of myself now. Good night.
13.1.14
10.1.14
Online
Tangina, I am so frustrated with where this is going or with not knowing where this is going. How can the person you like be online and you do not talk to them? Maybe I just need to distract myself because obviously he already is distracted. This is what I hate about dating theater people, because I don't get them. I also don't get musicians. And writers. I get filmmakers. Now there you go. Film it is. Or maybe I should expose myself more to theater to help me understand.
He's not even interested on what's been going on with my life. I want to just AAAAARGHHHH!!! So much for thinking this one's going to be different. I thought that even though we don't see each other for weeks on end because--
And I kind of take that back because he just asked me how I am. GAHD, I'M PATHETIC.
It's just hard for someone like me who needs so much attention and who is so clingy and needy and everything a person wouldn't want to be in a relationship with.
I SUCK SO MUCH.
He's not even interested on what's been going on with my life. I want to just AAAAARGHHHH!!! So much for thinking this one's going to be different. I thought that even though we don't see each other for weeks on end because--
And I kind of take that back because he just asked me how I am. GAHD, I'M PATHETIC.
It's just hard for someone like me who needs so much attention and who is so clingy and needy and everything a person wouldn't want to be in a relationship with.
I SUCK SO MUCH.
Friday Morning
Good morning. You're still the first thing on my mind. That's okay, this is not new. I experienced the same thing with B and F. I just don't want to be left hanging. You can tell me if I'm being clingy, or if you can't text me as often as you used to, or if you don't want this anymore. But don't leave me hanging. Communication is important to me. And if you can't give me that, this isn't going to work.
Then again, we're not together so.. this is just me being paranoid, really. I'll wait until March. Then we'll know. :)
Then again, we're not together so.. this is just me being paranoid, really. I'll wait until March. Then we'll know. :)
9.1.14
Just Because
I have made the baby step towards productivity by writing my To-Do List but I can't get through the day without writing about you first.
Because I like you. I like you not because we kiss, or hug, or have sex. I just like you. Because you take my breath away and fill my lungs with sweet air at the same time. I like you not because I think you can fly. I like you because you walk. You run. You dance. Just like I do. I like you not because you are the Sun, but because no matter how gloomy things would get, I'd still think the sun shines out of your ass. Not because we enjoy dinner conversations, but because we enjoy (devouring) our food in silence without feeling awkward about it. Not because you look good and every girl wants to be with you, but because I want to be with you and do everything with you.
Because I like you. I like you not because we kiss, or hug, or have sex. I just like you. Because you take my breath away and fill my lungs with sweet air at the same time. I like you not because I think you can fly. I like you because you walk. You run. You dance. Just like I do. I like you not because you are the Sun, but because no matter how gloomy things would get, I'd still think the sun shines out of your ass. Not because we enjoy dinner conversations, but because we enjoy (devouring) our food in silence without feeling awkward about it. Not because you look good and every girl wants to be with you, but because I want to be with you and do everything with you.
6.1.14
Afternoon D
I need to focus on work. No more dilly-dallying. I need to earn enough money to get me through this life. Really, because I also need to start spending on therapy and meds again. My early part of a year is usually spent on the arts and that's what I intend to do again this year. In order to sustain that I need to be able to support myself financially.
So no matter how down I am right now I know that I need to move. I'm really sleepy and I feel like giving in to my mood but I know that I can't. Maybe I should start with walking around the campus, and maybe even go for a run. Hopefully, I'll actually be able to finish something after.
So no matter how down I am right now I know that I need to move. I'm really sleepy and I feel like giving in to my mood but I know that I can't. Maybe I should start with walking around the campus, and maybe even go for a run. Hopefully, I'll actually be able to finish something after.
In love and still bipolar
P and I were supposed to go on a lunch date today but he woke up late so we rain checked. I don't mind, I know that he's busy and exhausted from everyday's rehearsals but I just thought it would be my little bit of feel good to see him just for a second, to get me through the day and even the week.
I imagine if I was in a better mood I would have insisted that I see him before his rehearsals even without lunch, but I'm down and have no capacity to make such happy decisions. I know I underestimate myself but I have learned that the best way to deal with this mood is to let it pass and just do my best to survive while I'm in the midst of it.
Maybe I shouldn't pour out my feelings to him so much yet. I don't want to scare him off. Everything in proper time.
Also, I have so much work to finish I really can't afford to stay here and wallow. I'll probably just end up watching Downton Abbey. Problem with my parents' house though is the shitty internet connection that I will have to make do with because really, I have to get my shit together and petty problems like these should not even deserve a spot in this blog.
i wish the weather would just clear up for a few days. I need my sunshine to recharge. I need my focus, my super-working-power.
Oh dear, I wish I'm making the best decision right now.
And I really have to start filling out my mood diary and also just grow the fuck up.
I imagine if I was in a better mood I would have insisted that I see him before his rehearsals even without lunch, but I'm down and have no capacity to make such happy decisions. I know I underestimate myself but I have learned that the best way to deal with this mood is to let it pass and just do my best to survive while I'm in the midst of it.
Maybe I shouldn't pour out my feelings to him so much yet. I don't want to scare him off. Everything in proper time.
Also, I have so much work to finish I really can't afford to stay here and wallow. I'll probably just end up watching Downton Abbey. Problem with my parents' house though is the shitty internet connection that I will have to make do with because really, I have to get my shit together and petty problems like these should not even deserve a spot in this blog.
i wish the weather would just clear up for a few days. I need my sunshine to recharge. I need my focus, my super-working-power.
Oh dear, I wish I'm making the best decision right now.
And I really have to start filling out my mood diary and also just grow the fuck up.
5.1.14
P has been nothing but good to me and I miss him every minute of every motherfucking day. And I don't want anything else in the world but to come home to him every night.
But I still think about B, and all the moments we had. My craziness that only he, up to this point, understands, because he can be just the same. The late cloudy afternoon runs and endless talks. The time he held my hand but I chose to let go before it even happened. The long bus rides, to and from our hometown. The lone times at one house party and another one. I felt it then. I know I didn't imagine them, the sparks.
I sometimes also think about F, His kiss, his skin. The way he makes me laugh. The silence. The way we hanged out like we were best friends, and more. His sweetness and sometimes, immaturity. I'd like to hang out with him again, as friends.
But I still think about B, and all the moments we had. My craziness that only he, up to this point, understands, because he can be just the same. The late cloudy afternoon runs and endless talks. The time he held my hand but I chose to let go before it even happened. The long bus rides, to and from our hometown. The lone times at one house party and another one. I felt it then. I know I didn't imagine them, the sparks.
I sometimes also think about F, His kiss, his skin. The way he makes me laugh. The silence. The way we hanged out like we were best friends, and more. His sweetness and sometimes, immaturity. I'd like to hang out with him again, as friends.
Star
when something is too good to be true
do you just pass it off as that?
or do you embrace it
give it a chance
it might be worth it and though sometimes it's too much
that it might hurt
a lot
you still hang on that
this
little bit of sunbeam
will be yours
until the world goes dark
do you just pass it off as that?
or do you embrace it
give it a chance
it might be worth it and though sometimes it's too much
that it might hurt
a lot
you still hang on that
this
little bit of sunbeam
will be yours
until the world goes dark
3.1.14
high
a hot guy is sleeping next to me right now then xx's intro comes on on 8tracks. i want to rape him so bad.
28.12.13
27.12.13
25.12.13
26. First date(?).
I realized that the reason I can't sleep is I have a lot of things on my mind. I have to go pick up my check tomorrow and then figure out how to get one more ID and then go to the back and then head to QC. I hope I finish early. I'm already anxious as it is. There's a possibility that things might not go well tomorrow but we'll see. I don't have anything planned but seeing that we don't have that much in common I'm not sure what we're going to talk about. These are things that were easy with B, and even with F. But P is just different. I like him though so I'm willing to give it a shot. If it does fail, well...
23.12.13
20.12.13
He doesn't like you, just your rack
I figured I'm sober enough to revisit last night's text messages. That's when it dawned on me. He only liked me last night. Last night was too good to be true, so is he. So I missed my chance for a lustful night. But maybe it's better that way, yes? I wouldn't want any trouble between him and F as they're close friends.
Sometimes I'm so daft. Especially with these things! Nobody told me that I was supposed to take him home. Well, G apparently told me in his text but I was too drunk I don't remember!
Oh, well. Guys these days. So he didn't really like me. He just wanted me for the night. I see that now. I wish I could have known it sooner.
Me and my grandeur dreams of romantic love. Tss, mania. I always end up embarrassing myself.
Sometimes I'm so daft. Especially with these things! Nobody told me that I was supposed to take him home. Well, G apparently told me in his text but I was too drunk I don't remember!
Oh, well. Guys these days. So he didn't really like me. He just wanted me for the night. I see that now. I wish I could have known it sooner.
Me and my grandeur dreams of romantic love. Tss, mania. I always end up embarrassing myself.
18.12.13
16.12.13
19
No, I can't play this game anymore. I'm ending it on Thursday. I need a fresh start for the new year. I will miss him, terribly. I shall cut my hair. I'm sorry that I have to get you involved in this, hair. I have to put an end to this, in three days' time.
Complicated
You make me happy that every moment we're together feels so significant I refuse to believe we're just tiny specks in this universe. I never expected this to last forever but lately I've been wondering, what if we try? What if I ask you to choose to be with me? Will it happen? Or will all my apprehension be proved right? I don't know which would hurt more, if you do not choose me or if you do and it doesn't work out. I shouldn't have let this come to this. I should have just left it as a game. Wait, It can still be. It's not too late. I can still turn back and play again.
Okay. I have decided that we're going back to the game. You'll be my sweet little escape and I'll be your no one.
2:59
No, I can't focus on work. And because I can't focus on work, all I can think about is him. Because what else is worth thinking about if not the idea of love?
Few minutes from now, the girl in Area 2 will be staring out of her window, and she will be hearing someone sing, "Dahil mahal, mahal na kita..." and at that same time, I will be in my room, thinking of you, and the day you told me that story.
Few minutes from now, the girl in Area 2 will be staring out of her window, and she will be hearing someone sing, "Dahil mahal, mahal na kita..." and at that same time, I will be in my room, thinking of you, and the day you told me that story.
Part 2
Biyernes, 8:30 nang gabi.
Alas singko y medya ako umalis nang Makati ngunit kakarating ko pa lang nang Philcoa. Tinext ko kaagad s'ya na hindi na ako makakahabol sa kanyang play na alas siete pa nagsimula.
"Bukas ka na lang manood," reply n'ya.
Sumakay ako ng tricycle at bumaba nang Sarah's. Nakiupo ako sa lamesa ng mga nakitang kaibigan.
Bandang alas-diyes nang gabi nang tinext ko ulit s'ya.
Ako: Daan ka dito after.
S'ya: Saan?
Ako: Sarah's
S'ya: Oh. Di ko na kaya. Uwi na ako.
Ako: Daan lang sana. :) Pero oks lang. Ingat. See you.
S'ya: Thanks.
Paalis na kami ng kaibigan ko nang may lumapit na lalaki mula sa kabilang mesa at nagpakilala. Wala rin talaga ako sa mood kaya magalang kong sinabi na paalis na kami at may pupuntahan pa.
Naisipan naming dumaan muna sa Tomato Kick dahil anniversary party ng Bookay-Ukay bago umuwi. Isang mabilis na ikot lang, sabi namin.
Pagdating namin sa Tomato Kick, nakita namin ang isa pang kaibigan.
"Sinong kasama mo?," tanong ng kasama ko
"Kami-kami," inisa-isa n'ya ang pangalan ng mga kasama n'ya at nakaramdam ako ng kurot sa dibdib ko nang mabanggit ang pangalan n'ya. Nandoon s'ya. Pagkatapos n'yang sabihing uuwi na s'ya, nando'n s'ya.
Nagsimula kaming maglakad ng kasama ko para ikutin ang lugar nang makita ko ang isa kong kaibigang lalaking matagal ko nang hindi nakikita. Napasigaw ako at yinakap ko s'ya nang mahigpit. Mabuti na lamang at nando'n s'ya. Kumuha kami ng beer at kahit pang alam kong nadaanan namin ang lamesa nilang magkakaibigan ay hindi ako lumingon.
Mabuti na lamang at hindi nagtagal ay umuwi na rin sila.
Nag-usap pa kami ng kaibigan ko sandali at umuwi na rin ako sa bahay ng kasama kong kaibigan.
Walang message sa Facebook o text mula sa kanya.
Hanggang kinabukasan ay wala pa ring pagpaparamdam. Last show ng play n'ya kinagabihan.
Nag-text s'ya nang alas-sais nang gabi kung manonood ba ako.
Halata ang galak ko noong nagkita kami ngunit akward na mula roon. Hindi ako nagsasalita at maikli ang sagot sa mga tanong n'ya. Patapos na ang intermission at nagpaalam na s'yang babalik sa loob.
Sa kanya ang huling play na ipinalabas. Mahusay ang direksyon ngunit hindi ko masabing ganoon din sa pagkakasulat, ngunit hindi naman sama--hindi talaga. Sa dulo ng play ay biglang tumugtog ang "Dancing with Myself" ng Nouvelle Vague. Tumawa ako nang malakas, mabuti na lang at nalunod ito sa ingay ng palakpakan sa paligid. Pinatugtog n'ya ang original ni Billy Idol noong magkasama kami ilang araw lang ang nakararaan, habang nasa bahay s'ya at tinutulungan kong gumawa ng assignemnt. Oo, nakakahiya mang aminin--na tinulungan ko s'yang gumawa ng assignment at naaalala ko ang pinatugtog n'ya noong gabing 'yon.
Pagkalabas ng teatro ay tumambad sa amin ni Carlo ang malakas na ulan. Wala kaming nagawa kundi tumayo sa isang gilid at nagsindi ng yosi. Maya-maya ay lumabas na rin s'ya, kinakamayan at binabati ng mga tao sa kanyang play. Lumapit s'ya sa 'min at tinanong si Carlo kung anong tingin n'ya. Isang yosi ang lumipas at wala akong natatandaan sa mga pinagsasasabi nila, pakiramdam ko ay 'sing cerebral ng kakapanood lang naming play ang naging usapan. Ngunit walang puwang ang katawan ko para sa utak noong mga panahong 'yon, masyadong maingay ang tibok ng puso ko. Bago pa man sumabog ang dibdib ko, nagpaalam na kami. Yinakap n'ya si Carlo, pagkatapos ay ako. Hinalikan n'ya ako sa pisngi. Maligaya akong naglakad sa ulan pabalik ng sasakyan.
Alas singko y medya ako umalis nang Makati ngunit kakarating ko pa lang nang Philcoa. Tinext ko kaagad s'ya na hindi na ako makakahabol sa kanyang play na alas siete pa nagsimula.
"Bukas ka na lang manood," reply n'ya.
Sumakay ako ng tricycle at bumaba nang Sarah's. Nakiupo ako sa lamesa ng mga nakitang kaibigan.
Bandang alas-diyes nang gabi nang tinext ko ulit s'ya.
Ako: Daan ka dito after.
S'ya: Saan?
Ako: Sarah's
S'ya: Oh. Di ko na kaya. Uwi na ako.
Ako: Daan lang sana. :) Pero oks lang. Ingat. See you.
S'ya: Thanks.
Paalis na kami ng kaibigan ko nang may lumapit na lalaki mula sa kabilang mesa at nagpakilala. Wala rin talaga ako sa mood kaya magalang kong sinabi na paalis na kami at may pupuntahan pa.
Naisipan naming dumaan muna sa Tomato Kick dahil anniversary party ng Bookay-Ukay bago umuwi. Isang mabilis na ikot lang, sabi namin.
Pagdating namin sa Tomato Kick, nakita namin ang isa pang kaibigan.
"Sinong kasama mo?," tanong ng kasama ko
"Kami-kami," inisa-isa n'ya ang pangalan ng mga kasama n'ya at nakaramdam ako ng kurot sa dibdib ko nang mabanggit ang pangalan n'ya. Nandoon s'ya. Pagkatapos n'yang sabihing uuwi na s'ya, nando'n s'ya.
Nagsimula kaming maglakad ng kasama ko para ikutin ang lugar nang makita ko ang isa kong kaibigang lalaking matagal ko nang hindi nakikita. Napasigaw ako at yinakap ko s'ya nang mahigpit. Mabuti na lamang at nando'n s'ya. Kumuha kami ng beer at kahit pang alam kong nadaanan namin ang lamesa nilang magkakaibigan ay hindi ako lumingon.
Mabuti na lamang at hindi nagtagal ay umuwi na rin sila.
Nag-usap pa kami ng kaibigan ko sandali at umuwi na rin ako sa bahay ng kasama kong kaibigan.
Walang message sa Facebook o text mula sa kanya.
Hanggang kinabukasan ay wala pa ring pagpaparamdam. Last show ng play n'ya kinagabihan.
Nag-text s'ya nang alas-sais nang gabi kung manonood ba ako.
Halata ang galak ko noong nagkita kami ngunit akward na mula roon. Hindi ako nagsasalita at maikli ang sagot sa mga tanong n'ya. Patapos na ang intermission at nagpaalam na s'yang babalik sa loob.
Sa kanya ang huling play na ipinalabas. Mahusay ang direksyon ngunit hindi ko masabing ganoon din sa pagkakasulat, ngunit hindi naman sama--hindi talaga. Sa dulo ng play ay biglang tumugtog ang "Dancing with Myself" ng Nouvelle Vague. Tumawa ako nang malakas, mabuti na lang at nalunod ito sa ingay ng palakpakan sa paligid. Pinatugtog n'ya ang original ni Billy Idol noong magkasama kami ilang araw lang ang nakararaan, habang nasa bahay s'ya at tinutulungan kong gumawa ng assignemnt. Oo, nakakahiya mang aminin--na tinulungan ko s'yang gumawa ng assignment at naaalala ko ang pinatugtog n'ya noong gabing 'yon.
Pagkalabas ng teatro ay tumambad sa amin ni Carlo ang malakas na ulan. Wala kaming nagawa kundi tumayo sa isang gilid at nagsindi ng yosi. Maya-maya ay lumabas na rin s'ya, kinakamayan at binabati ng mga tao sa kanyang play. Lumapit s'ya sa 'min at tinanong si Carlo kung anong tingin n'ya. Isang yosi ang lumipas at wala akong natatandaan sa mga pinagsasasabi nila, pakiramdam ko ay 'sing cerebral ng kakapanood lang naming play ang naging usapan. Ngunit walang puwang ang katawan ko para sa utak noong mga panahong 'yon, masyadong maingay ang tibok ng puso ko. Bago pa man sumabog ang dibdib ko, nagpaalam na kami. Yinakap n'ya si Carlo, pagkatapos ay ako. Hinalikan n'ya ako sa pisngi. Maligaya akong naglakad sa ulan pabalik ng sasakyan.
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