I AM BACK

Because there is no point in hiding and I am, in a way, attached to this blog which nobody reads. I think that's the beauty of it, of this. I know that nobody reads this but maybe, just maybe, someone will stumble upon this and get a piece of my thoughts. Nobody writes for themselves. We know that when we write something, we expect someone, someday to read it.

i am stoned

seriously.

i have decided. no matter how much it would hurt. i needed to choose. and i did.

it will probably cost me a couple of months of heartache but it will be worth it. sure it will.

you will always always have that special crazy place in my heart.

but enough.

Kung bigla na lang kayo akong bumitaw?

The Buck Stops Here

Stop asking me questions. To say that you wouldn't like the answers would be an underestimation. You would hate what you'll learn and you will hate me.

I can't tell you because you'll start being paranoid again and stop me from seeing my guy friends and I don't think I'd be able to handle that.

Should I tell you? Make or break.

Now Private

I had to make this blog private because C discovered it. Bummer.

Why do I get so excited whenever we talk?

Last Night

I forogt to mention that last night was my-heart-kicking-like-a-drum-slash-this-is-endorphins-overload night. Almost all of my major crushes were there last night. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! I'm like a giddy effin schoolgirl. I. Must. Stop. Myself. Like my friend "Nemo" said, I don'y need any "excitement" right now.

June

Summer's over, the dog days should also be by now. Instead, I'm sitting here in front of my laptop at my X's house. Yep, you read that right. It's mad out there, I tell you! Mad!

You must know that I currently have three guy bestfriends in my life. First is my X, enough said. Then HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, we used to be solid, tight, inseparable. He's the craziest of the three. Third is this guy, whom we can call "L", we've only known each other for a few months but we've become really good friends we're almost girlfriends.

Remember that time when I disappeared from the face of the Earth and I was staying at a friend's house getting wasted all week? Well, last week we were supposed to go back to that flat.HuBu invited me. I didn't go. Then the next day there was this event that I was supposed to go to, I didn't go either. After that I went out of town for two days. I was supposed to attend a friend's exhibit the night I got back to the city. Guess what? Yep, missed out again.

Then came Sunday. This guy friend, L, the "forbidden breathtaking creature" from the previous posts, invited me out for coffee. He needed someone to talk with about his love problems. I just couldn't say no to heartbroken friends. Glad I could help. Nevermind that we have a past, right? We planned stuff on how he could fix things between him and his GF. It was a good friendly date. The next morning, he texted me that his girlfriend broke up with him. Just what the fuck, RIGHT?! Here I go again, Break-Up Patrol Ranger to the rescue! Oh, boy.

Then last night I went to this event, the aforementioned guy friend was supposed to go with me but he had a shoot so... 

AND THEN, Hubu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was suddenly texting me that he's having problems with his girlfriend so he was going to be late. He went to the event nonetheless. We sparked a joint in his car, talked a little, but not heart-to-heart enough. A little later on in the night, he just disappeared! French exited with some friends. I don't know but I think that's just ungrateful. Nobody should treat their friends like that. (Ehem, note to self?) I'm putting him on my BV list. The end. The end?

Of course not, silly. When I got home HuBu's girlfriend IMed me. Asking about this certain girl. Uh-oh. Everything was just crazy from that point on, she started pouring her feelings and I, I couldn't even say a damn thing because HuBu's my friend and I am stuck between the two of them! I hate HuBu iright now but I'm not wrecking a home. Homewrecking might be a bit of an exaggeration but you get me, Imma stay out of this one.

Just when I thought my lovelife's fucked up.

Hiatus

So. Tomorrow, I'm gonna be on a roadtrip to the beach with my family. I am so excited I cannot sleep. Feels like the day before a school field trip when I was in grade school.

Yes, this is it. Self-reflection and shiz. Something good should--must come out of this.

Oh, joy and happiness. Thank you, life, for this. Imma be updatin through Twitter.

Hatin' Season

To diss and to be mean, it's what I do best. I am at my funniest when I'm hatin'.

Napakalungkot kong tao.

Miss out ako dahil wala akong pera. Hadlang ang ekonomiya sa lahat ng bagay sa mundo! Wooooooooo! But I wanna go out! Four days na 'kong nagkukulong sa bahay. Hellooooo?

I Think I'm Gonna Barf

HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named just called. He wants me to go there. In his house. Just what the fuck am I really?

Tweet tweet

Follow me?

Summer 2011: To fall in and out of love again and again.

Have you ever walked outside in broad daylight with a joint between your fingers? I have. Nobody gives a fuck, really. Nobody's going to spend a minute of their precious time to tell you off or call the authorities or do something--anything--about it. It's just a joint man. I can just imagine a world where everybody can do their morning walks while smoking a spliff. That would be a really wonderful morning.

***
I fell out of love with someone. And fell in love with another. Fell out of love with another. And fell in love with someone. And now I'm just confused.

***
I have a new favortie movie--Fish Story. I like anything cathartic, and I can say that Fish Story is the embodiment of catharsis. It doesn't leave you all confused and with a bad headache. It tells and ends a good story well. It leaves you with that warm fuzzy feeling inside and it stays there for a long time. I didn't really know what it was about before I watched it, I thought it was a rockumentary of some Japanese punk band from the 70s but it was really more; it was sci-fi and music and comedy and romance and everything else. It's 114 minutes long and I have already watched it three times. The last time was when we were counting down to the day of "rapture." Just perfect.

***
I get high with a little help from my friends.

***
I spent last Friday as a Break-Up Patrol Ranger. Rapture countdown with a heartbroken girlfriend and a few friends coming and going. They cleaned C's apartment then we watched the best feel-good movies reserved for the day before the end of the world -- Easy A and Fish Story (which actually falls under the End-of-the-World film genre). We had hotdogs, cocktails, noodles, and beer. And of course weed. Duh.

The next day I went to a graduation party of a friend. Played Puerto Rico, killer-killer, that question game, and sang at the Karaoke. Spent the night there. Went to the mall the next day with my housemates. Went home and fell down the stairs. Hooray.

So today, I am stuck at home with an injured left foot.

THE Week of My Summer 2011

I always have this kind of days every summer, when I just lose control and you-know-whatelse's.

So, it was my housemate's birthday last week and of course we gave her a surprise party on our rooftop, food, drinking games, and all. It was 90s themed and it was WILD. Good wild, y'know. Everybody was just happy and dancing and drunk and I just French exited. Just like that.

Immediately after I went out, I texted my girl bestie and my gay bestie (who are also my housemates) that I went out and that I would be back. Apparently, nobody received/read it so they just panicked because I had gone missing. In truth, I was with two guy friends. It was a wholesome thing, don't worry. Slept over, dropped, smoked and drank. But the Vs got the better of us and we ended up not finishing our second bottle of Grande (beer). Dropped almost as good as dead but just really fucking slept like babies. There were hugs, and a feel here and there. But obviously, it was nothing. Wouldn't be blabbing about it if it was something. Bleagh.

Went to guy-who-used-to-be-a-bestie-now-a-HuBu's house. Stayed a bit. Boys played NBA2K. And me, I just stayed. I was too high to notice that they were boring the amats out of me anyway.

HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named went out to meet with the girlfriend. Left us three. We went out immediately after anyway. Rode a taxi to a friend's flat. Someone I hadn't seen for a very long time. She now has a baby. Father's a "royal blood", if you know what I mean, high up above the socio-cultural-economic ladder. So yeah, they're separated.

We stayed at the place getting high, getting drunk, and just enjoying ourselves to the moon and back rocking each other's socks. And of course taking care of the baby. Gives me goosebumps whenever I recall that creepy Trainspotting scene. Anyway, loads of fun. Went home Friday, went back to their place again Saturday. Then went home Tuesday. It got tiring. And really, afterwards, when I was starting to sober up, I realized, the whole friendship, it was all based on amats, y'know. It wasn't real, was it?

So, of course, I, the vulnerable one with low self-worth went crashing and is still crashing. Things start and end just like that. Just sad how people can just take other people for granted and not realize it and still be happy together anyway. I wish I could just enjoy it. Being young and being able to do these things. Because it really is (or was), honestly, fun, awesome, great, spectacular even!

So I used to not know what I want, but at least I knew what I didn't want. Now I'm clueless.

(Typed this with at least 100 WPM straight up, no chaser! Crazy.)

Little Blue Pill

Little blue pill made me do things I have long forgotten
Cut my self through and numb myself sick
It's cool, they'll say, it's chill
But it made me think dark thoughts
Made me want to do dark things
Or do things in the dark

And now the blue little pill making its way out of my system
is
leaving
victorious.

Sobriety

Easy D

Told me I'm easy

Well I am

Like a Sunday morning

Fucked four my whole life

And you think it's forty

Drink beer, take this, take that

And you think I'm game

Wear a short skirt
And you put a palm on my leg

Feeling it upwards

It's all good, man, I'm no hypocrite

We all need the warmth

But you can't
(to both our frustration)

get into my skirt

We sit side-by-side in the cab

And little by little you sit closer
Whispering to my ears, hitting on me

Then you put your hand over mine

But I give no response

I don't hold hands

I may tease, I may please

I'll make you sweat and plead

You want a ride

I'll give you a fucking rollercoaster

You want some heat

We'll burn this house to the core

Though I suggest

You, run, now

I'm a monster unleashed

fuck love. fuck life. fuck everyone.

Choose this.

Masama ba 'kong tao?

Siguro nga. La Vie Boheme na ba?

flowwwwts

ayoko lang munang mag-isip. gusto kong lumutang lang ng lumutang habang nagsa-soundtrip. tapos may kausap lang na kabigan sa chat. wag sa personal, ang hirap e.

tangina. ano 'yun? ano 'yung nangyaring 'yun? amats lang 'yun? pukingina naman. parang di mo alam disposisyon ko ngayon e. bestfriend kita alam mo kung anong pinagdadaanan ko sabay ganon?

tapos wala lang. parang wala lang. kasalanan ko pa 'yan kung magtatanong ako o magcocomment. kelangan kalimutan lang. na parang wala lang. tanginang buhay 'to. ako na naman ang talo.

Me Gone Wilder

I have become uncontrollable.

Hubu

Hubu (hoo-boo) n. hug buddy

Gera

Bakit kaya tuwing summer napapagera ako?

Ugh, tabla beach!

Tonight, I write.

For I have nothing else to do. The part where you are lying down on your bed staring at the screen for he has just left after spending an entire day with you. The time when you have no one to talk to inspite having five roommates. The night when you wish you're home with your family and baby brothers. That short period when you feel like you have no one.

I am lonely. :(

Please.

Enough! (Para!)
Older brother, by the side. (Kuya, sa tabi lang.)

You already. (Ikaw na.)

for that bittersweet forbidden breathtaking creature

funny how you make me nervous about this

and sometimes about other things

like will he laugh or is this too much or will he like it

crazy how i think about how you smell like a place i've always dreamt of going to

but wouldn't know because i haven't yet

and yet you feel like something i have been in the past

like that tireswing two blocks away

i wish my eyes had a camera

so i wouldn't have to always give you a second look

or a third

and read you like a favorite chapter of the book

again and again

and see the layers, and discover new things

everytime i do

figuring out the surface

and getting amazed by the depth

and i'll take you places

literally and not so

and tell you things

i wouldn't dare let you know
know your favorite song, learn it and sing it
know your favorite film, watch it, memorize it, re-enact it
know you and your desires
may it be wordly may it be romantic
may it be idealist
like spend a day inside your brain
see what you follow what you crave
which revels you

and i don't know if i should say this

at this time

and by this

but heck, i'm the one writing

for your information

you. drive me wild. man.

i would like to know which words you use the most
put them in a little black notebook
so i would never forget

discover the known and the unknown
take what i can get

RB

Rebound pa? But it hurts too much to do it. Emotionally I mean.

Awake Still

I hate you aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall! Angst kung angst but fact remains, I hate you aaaaaaaaaaaaaall!

Lately, all I do is Tweet. Baka makatsamba lang ng makakabasa.

erase and rewind

i thought i was ready for the reconciliation until i realized that you haven't changed one bit

Comfortable Silence

Sitting/lying down/lying on the stomach with two girlfriends. No talking but company's all I need.

HOT

I'm supposed to attend a meeting 45 minutes from now but, hell, read: Hangover. I'm not sure about this gig thing. Because: no pay. Never dreamt of becoming a starving artist, if you must know.

The weather's too hot I'm hallucinating.

4/21

Tangina n'yong lahat sige mag-beach kayo. Eww. Hahahahaha.

Sunday on a Wednesday

Today's going to be a wonderful day. Still nervous about the play rehearsal but whatevs! So muuuuch to look forward to. Ah. :)

Where Is My Mind?

Today I had to rush home and then rush back to QC. I'm doing wardrobe (again), this time it's for a play. It feels weird and different and new. But new is good, right?

I am forcing myself to get back on track. To choose "life" (in the most normative sense of the word), once and for all. Or maybe just for now, you know, and then get back to making La Vie Bohemme the soundtrack of mi life.

I do miss some things. Some friends. Which/who are no longer available. My options were few. Now they're down to almost none.

What's The Story, Morning Glory?

I am trying to be composed and civil with all these. We're friends. Friends, friends, friends. Nothing more. :|

I have to head to my rents' house RIGHT NOW 'cause my father (ugh) needs files from this friggin' laptop.

I seriously want to barf. Good morning!

Nail-biting

I am angsty, I am feisty
I cuss, I shout
I am mean, I am stubborn
I am all of these and more

I nail-bite when I'm thinking
when I'm confused
when I'm nervous

When I'm in a car
I always sit indian-style, I
look out the window
and sing out loud

When at a party
I am timid, I am shy
I am the wallflower
I say "Hi."
Uhm, awkward

Unless
I am high
as fuck
take note: as fuck

I am random, spontaneous
Difficult, complicated
But I
hate surprises

And I think, I think too much.

I Think

Lollipops, cigarettes, music

Good as they sound

But hurts as it feels

Attempt 2

He offered to buy me a drink for a favor I did. I said, no, it's nothing, charge it to friendship. He laughed and said thanks a bunch. He told me he misses his girlfriend. I said, distance can be good sometimes, it heightens the craving. He laughs and says nothing.

And I, am pathetic.

So, what happened really?

I was vulnerable--heart-broken, crushed, in a i-wish-the-world-would-end-right-now sort of mindset--you know the works. And suddenly, poof, he started giving attention. His charming scorching hot self tempting me with his charming, scorching hot self. We chat and we text all day and all night, never running out of things to talk about. Sexy things, even.

So. One weekend. It happened. It was new, awkward, bittersweet and I guess, quite awesome.

And the days that follow were a mess. Suddenly I'm back to being the nobody. The friend. No. The good friend. Hence, the angst (i.e. this).

So. I have decided. I'm staying away from you.

Attempt.

Get drunk. Get sober. Get high. Go crash. When all you really want is stay in your room and do things (like this.)

High like/as the moon

I need to get out of this poverty. How is the question.

It's always heartbreaking when the friends you badly need/want to see and talk to are not there/available (for you). Like no matter what your FB friend count tells you, reality is, your options are few. 

YOU.

THIS is the last I'm writing about you and--deities help me--the last moment I'll waste thinking about you. It was one weekend. One bittersweet forbidden breathtaking weekend. And, know what, I don't regret it one bit. But why, you wonder, do I suffer? Simple. I WANT YOU.

Now, ENOUGH. Done. Over. From here on out, you are Eternal Sunshined.

Rekindle

Just what was that? You've been cold and distant for days and without warning you show up with that boyish charm. That's just unfair.

Black Hole a.k.a my room

I've been holing up for days now. I'm forcing myself to go out tonight.

Yes, I've been a bad, bad girl

Ooooooooh, boy.

Tonight

I've got a lot of stories with me. Ones I would keep and never tell. Ones I wish I could forget. Ones I know I'll never get over with.

Facebook Official

There will come a time when we will be telling our grandchildren how our lives were ruined when our boyfriend/girlfriend Facebook Official-ed the break-up.

I Need A Ge-ge-getaway

1. C and I are over

2. I am in lust with someone else. Nothing to do with the break-up though, this realization came afterwards. A rebound? Not impossible.

3. Shoot is over. I've been in hibernation for the last 2 nights and will do the same tonight.

4. No money. Art does not pay well.

5. I need a serious drink.

Vertigo
Anne Stevenson

Mind led body
to the edge of the precipice.
They stared in desire
at the naked abyss.
If you love me, said mind,
take that step into silence.
If you love me, said body,
turn and exist.

O____O

i am so... something. i should be preparing for the shoot tomorrow. but i have lost all motivation i have left in my system. tomorrow's going to be a disaster. boo.

Exhausted

Art should not be exhaustive but it is.

I didn't come in to work last night and decided to pass my resignation letter tonight. It isn't a long story but I prefer no to tell it here. Or not right now at least. I am currently on a shoot but even this doesn't seem to cheer me up. I'm in desperate need of a new job. Dark times.

Tonight, I just want my peace.

So nigga please.

Mondal Feels Like A Sunday

What could be better?

Woke with a UP Fair hangover after 14 hours of sleep. And now, it's me and my Bumblebee (my PC). This playlist. I'm back to my books. To social networking (LOL). I feel good even with no money. I LOVE TODAY.

Bumblebee

I can't believe I'm going through life without Bumblebee. It has been SO hard without a proper PC.

I think Imma reread The Godfather by Mario Puzo for there are times when I forget. I must not.

C just came in. Tralalala. Happy Valentine's. :|

It's that time of the year when the campus smells like freshly cut grass and you're suddenly nostalgic of a place you're not even sure you've ever been to. Love is in the FAIR. :)

Ifeelsoemptythatitrywhaticantobusymyselfandhelpevenwheniamnotneeded

Shift+Del

I deleted some posts. My words can be the end of me if I'm not careful. I'm done being young and stupid.

I've been really lazy lately. It probably has to do with my diet. I eat carbs and grease for my basic 3 meals. or 4. or 6. I am so unhealthy I can feel it in my bone marrow.

Parang kailan lang.

Di na naman ako umiinom at nagyoyosi. NAKAKAPAGOD.

Dear Diary

I am dazzled and confused.
And I am into drinking again.
And smoking.

AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII (love it) I think

So. I think.

I still love C. There are just too many things, too many, on my head right now. Wondering if it's still worth it. Or if I'm just wasting another 2 years of my life with something I am no longer sure of. Never want that to happen again.

WHAT SHALL I DOOOOOOO?

So. Because of Tita D.

I am now on a blogging marathon.

Ang now I am not.

UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH labo.

A New Post

Because I feel like I should. Feels different though. Can't talk about my life or my day. Just the general hullabaloos that come and go. Wondering, is this how Flash feels? At least it's better than being Clark Kent. Speedballing everyday. My blogs are bombs ready to explode on my face at any time. Anybody I know could just stumble upon one of them and I'm dead.

Just two years ago, my then boyfriend learned about my secret love affairs also through my "secret" blog. How careless. And maybe I do like it that way. The feeling that eventually people are gonna find out what I really feel. Saves me the hassle of explaining everything. Yeah? Yeah.

unable to write

is this the life then?

2010's finally over

and done with.
My new year's resolution: live fasteeeeeeeeeeeer!

I'm the type who consumes

I'm the type who consumes

until the feeling that I am complete again

Loves

until the day that I am loved by another

Pleads

until the moment that I rise
and face what must be

Waits

until the time that I can no longer.

Office Girl

I thought I didn't have a life when I was living it without a job. Now, that I've got my self a job I am totally socially awkward and unable to finish anything other than office work.

I hereby declare cyberly that from here on out I officially am without a life.

How do you end a relationship with someone you love?

Fuck.

Quarter-Life Crisis

Tomorrow I start work. Full-time. I am trying to be excited about it but as everyone knows, pretending to be enthusiastic about something isn't my specialty.

Too much bad vibes in my system right now. I am currently hating C and his kupal ways. I still have a lot of shit-slash-work to finish and I'm already starting work tomorrow, it's stressing me out! I need a bottle or two or a smoke. Sucks to be home. :(

Tralalala

Oh you're not flirting? You're being nice? Then watch me being so nice to that hot guy and tell me if I am any good at it, deal?

Doc, something's wrong with me.

I've got personality.

A-ha! I rarely post nowadays. I must be halfway through getting a life.

How far from eureka yet?

Ugh. Creativity, I need you. NOW.

"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart."

- e e cummings

Demet

I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. I'm in that stage again when I can't get anything done. Why does this keep coming back? Don't I get to move on and not do this anymore? It's not even a phase. I wish it were. And it isn't PMS. I'm doomed to be like this forever.

No matter what I do, people just keep disappointing me. I have come to realize that there's nothing wrong with the people around me. It's me. I keep expecting.

Pota, I'm a sad, sad breathing thing.

getting tired of this

fun isn't FUN anymore.
looking for something new.

I have nothing better to say

so follow me on tumblr.

what to do, what to do

To be or not to be. That is not really a question. -Jean-Luc Godard

PERO DILEMMA PA RIN S'YA, OKAY?

randomrandomrandom because it's four a.m. and i'm still awake and sabaw

it's all good when i'm not with you. but every time you're near and i get a whiff of your pheromones, i die. it's like getting high minus the risk of going to jail and the respiratory disease. every time you hug me--when you cuddle like a panda and i fit just perfectly in your arms--i am at my weakest, inhaling you like the air in QC (not entirely healthy nor clean, but familiar and comforting).

and on this note, i must say, you are:
*a cigarette on a chilly night
*a good book on a sunday
*a bar of chocolate during PMS
*noodle soup on a rainy day
*a TV marathon on a lazy day
*my mangga and asin-with-sili, NYFD fries, and milkshake ALL-IN-ONE

i love you most when i don't have to try too hard. because i know i do. and it's tiresome and stressful. and when i don't it feels like three in the morning when everything's simple and quiet and the internet connection is at it's fastest. i love you like a hundred thousand times over my DSL speed. i love you even when I hate you. and I hate you a lot. and I don't care how long this would last. i love you because I want to.

my father just asked me for my school records

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?!

I am not going back to school next semester. I am going to get a job. I need money! I hate college. What do I need a college degree for?! A career?! You've got to be kidding me. Why would I want that?!

Update: C's getting his own place in QC. Yay!

I hate the south. I want to go back up north! I want my own place in QC too!

I need a home-based job aside from my part-time. I need to save up!

This post contains too many exclamation points. ARRGGGHHHH!!!

i am so tired and PMS-ing right now

there are a lot of jobs out there apparently. but none that you'd like and enjoy and would treat you fairly and pay you your work's worth. fairness is apparently something that's too much to ask. injustice has become normative. nothing's wrong enough.

i'm losing my respect in people.

just stop pretending. you hate your job. you know you do. you hate the claustrophobic environment. you hate the instant coffee. you hate not having to be able to smoke whenever you want. you hate having to make excuses when you are going to be late or absent for work. you want to be able to do what you want. don't be a wuss and just do it, whatever it may be. i mean, seriously, do you really want a career?! come on. so much better things out there. much, much better.

fortunately, there are still some who are brave enough to stand up for what they believe in--with good pay or none. i miss you good people of the world. i wish to join you again soon. once i get myself out of this tangled web.

i am SABAW.

Folding Chair

I've got a perfect body, though sometimes I forget. --Regina Spektor

I got PMS

I envy how some people are so talented/skilled. No fair.

BUSY, BUSY NIGHT

To-Do List for tonight:

1. Eat dinner
2. Brush teeth
3. Wash face (optional)
4. Research
5. Write article
6. Watch a movie
7. Read fiction, preferably in the "fantasy" genre (optional)
8. Look for freelance jobs

The first step to getting a life: making lists.

Mon Omelette Du Fromage

My cheese omelette says:
A little bit of feel good goes a long way.

Yes, I cooked.
Then I was too lazy to eat it.

Job, house, family, social life, headache:
How do grown-ups manage all of these things? They are the most underrated people on earth I believe.

I can't wait to be 40.
20s and 30s are too much pressure.

Today Is Deja Vu Of That Day When I Was

seventeen, on a hot Sunday afternoon with Pink Floyd on my headphones, Volume: full blast. Propped open: Palahniuk. Room: a mess. Today is just like that. It's teenage angst all over again.

Except that C just texted, ruining the momentum of this post. I'm sorry, I gotta call him up. It has been a depressing week for everyone.

HOLD.

Heh. I forgot that I have an unfinished blog post. C's down. What can I do to cheer him up? I'm as depressed as he is. Bah. Anyway.

I just want to say that I don't like handling drunk fathers. Nobody does. So why don't you, fathers of the world, stop being such alcoholics and be good? NO, you can't be a good father and an alcoholic at the same time. My friend J thinks that he can though. He believes that if he's honest to his sons about his drinking and smoking and if he does it in front of them they would appreciate his honesty and grow up responsible and cool without having any ill-feelings whatsoever toward their father. NO. Trust me, I hate days when my father's been drinking, which is like almost everyday. He drinks everyday but he doesn't get drunk everyday. And when he does I just want to go away. Thus the deja vu of my seventeen-year-old Sunday afternoon. i AM ranting.

GET ME OUT OF HERE.

I CAN HAZ A JOB

I've got a job. Part-time. But still, it's a job. Will start on the first of October. Will probably delete this blog once I am able to get a life. Can't wait.

Last night was war, BTW. Awesome, awesome party. Free-flowing drinks and friends almost rhyme!

Shmoke

I miss C. He's my Freddie. Putting up with all my shit.

MESS

Mess. Life. Mess. Life.

That's about all there is.

I will see my bestfriend tomorrow. She's back from the World Expo.

Last Nite: The C and J Bromance Story

The other night, C and I were at B's. Drank a little, smoked a lot. Then I went to A's after, still high as fuck. I felt like crashing so I just stayed there even though he had to leave for work. Thus the rant post yesterday.

Went to (or gatecrashed?) a birthday last night. C's cousin invited us (the one that we were with at the Ska Fest). But C said the celebrant actually invited us through his cousin. ANYWAY. Was actually feeling lazy to go out because it jusht feelsh sho good to curl up on the bed on a wainy night. Aww. Whatever, I still went anyway with C and J. It was okay. There weren't any food left when we got there but there were still enough alcohol to go around. The birthday celebrant is supposed to be the son of a famous 90's musician, so it was like a jam party. They had an electric guitar and a bass guitar set up, and also a cajon. People took turns jamming (I really hate that word). When it was C and J's turn, it was CRAZY, like everybody loved them crazy. It was kind of cool, I guess. You know what happens next. They played the entire night alternating with the guitar and the bass, people singing along from time to time when they happen to know the song. And then there was this girl who was ogling at C the whole night. He's got an admireeeer. Ha ha! Okay, so maybe C and J really are good together. Never really took them seriously, honestly. They've been in the band scene too long, you know, with different bands. But now that they're together in the same band I think it might actually work.

Bored

That last post was stupid.

Alone in someone else's room with only the internet and a pack of cigarettes to keep me sane

DO NOT READ.

A company just rejected my work.

Actually, no, they were just asking for a revision. And I, I don't know what to feel. Just months ago another company rejected me after giving them a really good work, sweat, blood, tears and all (I worked REALLY hard) just because they felt I was too mechanical and didn't really luuuuuuuurve the job as much as they'd want me to. And they did not even have the hairy balls to deny that I was good. Because I was.


I mean. I am trying. Okay? This is a compromise. Of me trying to put up with your system and at the same time doing what I think is right. I wouldn't go as far as "going down with the program", fucktards. Say what you want about me but I do have my principles and I stand by them.

There's no such thing as art for art's sake, Mao said. And he's right. But that does not mean that I would use it to save your big multinational bourgeois corporations' asses. It means the exact opposite.

Cuckooroookooo ARRRRGGHHHH

One more thing I hate about this place, our neighbor's got chickens. Real live cuckooing chickens. And they're cuckooing right now. At fifteen minutes before four. While I'm watching Skins. GREAT.

Lame-O

C and B are over at J's. Jamming again. And I'm stuck at my parents' house.

Today, when I took a bath I stayed as long as I can in the bathroom.
A stressful home. Isn't that supposed to be an oxymoron? I've been staying here for months just because I don't have enough money to pay rent anymore. I moved out when I was eighteen, feeling independent, empowered, and all that romanticized jazz, and now... And now, I'm eating Gardenia with Lady's Choice sandwich spread while watching Skins because I'm too lazy too cook and too fired up to sleep.

I know, I know.

‘Here comes the feeling you thought you’ve forgotten, chairs to sit, and sidewalks to walk on’

it was summer. it was war.

it was high fives with people you barely even know, i call it the rainbow connection — fuzzy and psychedelic. it was dancing without knowing how. it was confidence without high heels.

it was the almost-gray-area that never was. because it just wasn’t. it was the best friendship. just being there, complete sleep-wake cycle or no.

it was the infatuation that was the omega and the alpha. it was goodbye fuck-buddy and to the brains in your balls too. it was hello kaleidoscopic butterflies fluttering in my intestines, jazzy and bright. it was you.

it was music and love and art and life, as cliché as it might sound. but a cliché becomes a cliché for a reason. for a fucking good reason. like France and Shakespeare and happily ever afters.

it was not growing up. it was not wasting time. it was not getting wasted. it was not getting high. it was not not caring. and so it was.

it was seeing daytime in the vintage blue pink and white and the city nights red yellow and black. it was beauty of the scorching sun in Quezon City and giant sunflowers in UP. it was cheap metaphors and romanticized concrete buildings.

it was a comic book drawn with my right hand.

and i’m left-handed.

Productive

When your internet is really turtle-ly it makes you productive. Really. I just finished my assigned essays. And this hopefully means MONEY.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow and a job interview next week. Wow, that's kind of a baby step towards getting a life, yeah?

I am just so motivated right now.

Forget about money, live it! But then again...

I AM BROKE.

I just spent the last 48 hours, drinking, smoking, getting high and having fun without shelling out. I need to get a real job. I'm always too lazy to get up. I feel so heavy. And I'm stick thin mind you. I feel as if all the oil and genetically-modified stuff I've been taking in with fast and processed food for years have finally taken it's toll. It feels like they are boiling inside me and it just makes me sooo laaaazy.

Nah

I still feel  sorry for him, but due to recent discoveries my sympathy has turned to loathing. You can never trust anyone these days. Ugh, I hate being in love. I hate being jealous and disappointed and lied to.

I'm About to Barf

I don't like this feeling. The feeling when the person you love most is suffering from an emotional catastrophe and all you can do is text him and tell him that it's going to be okay, that we'll talk about it tomorrow and we'll planeverything out and everything will turn out for the best. It's like telling a kid that there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow except that this kid does not believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. So you just don't know what to say anymore.

And as a depressant, for lack of a better term, because that's what they call people like me in those medical books, I can't help but take everything in. Feel his hurt. Nurse his pain. Until that dreaded anxiety attack comes.

It won't happen this time though. He needs me more than ever and I just love him too much. And I swear I will kill myself if I let him down.

Tangled Web

Masaya ka pero alam mong may kulang. Yung bagay na tinalukaran mo para maabot ang kasiyahang tinatamasa mo ngayon. Alam mo kung alin ang mas mahalaga pero masyado kang duwag para harapin ito.