So I fucking turned 26 today! Ain't that brilliant? I'm in my late twenties, yo! I have 24 hours to do whatever I want and I plan to watch Boyhood. Woooot!
Maybe I should be cleaning the house but I'm feeling too special for that.
I don't feel my age! At all! It's a great thing to grow older, especially when you know that you're where you're supposed to be--lost and searching. Also, I'm having the best of both worlds. The smug self-righteousness ("Ugh, kids/") of an adult and the whimsicality of someone still coming of age.
I'm going to be myself todayyyy, no holds barred, bipolar shiz or whatnot!
23.8.14
19.8.14
Older
I'm turning 26 in a few days and I still can't say that I have already figured out what I want to do with my life. I'm still living in the now and for some people that sounds really rebellious and reckless, but so far it has worked for me. Maybe not as well as what other would have expected from a 25-year old but I'm fine. I struggled a lot and lord, I still do, and still a lot. I'm just holding on really tight, even with only my little finger. This doesn't mean that I'm hopeful, this just means that I trust the now. I just do my best in everything and maybe I'll get there, maybe I don't, it doesn't matter because it is always the journey that is most important.
It's 3:30 in the morning and I know I should be sleeping or writing that godforsaken event script at least.
I'm just having problems with my ex. I really just wanted to remember something good but this is where we end up after all. I'm sorry, I'm not being selfish (hell, everyone knows I can be the most selfless friend), I just can't handle him. I can't even say I'm not strong enough of a person because I know that despite my crazies I know that I am and I know how many god-knows-what I have gone through in my life and look, I'm still here. But he just gets through me. We were together for a really long time so he knows which buttons to push. I don't know why he doesn't realize how much he affects me. I mean, he had me when I was 20. The early twenties are the most formative years of an adult's life and it is when they are most sensitive and vulnerable. Their environment, the people they hang out with, the things they learn, and the culture they pick up during these years are what sticks to them all through their life. Their future likes and dislikes, values, morals, have their foundation set on everything they consume during this age. This is also the time that a person experiences the most drastic changes in his or her life. The individual eventually learns what he or she really wants and picks them out from all the clutter, keeps them in his or her life box, and throws the rest of them away. I have a lot to say about this matter but I know he would never listen. Like he would never believe that I am also hurt. That he is the reason I am this dysfunctional. And I am not blaming him, it was also my choice, it's just that he was around at that time and he was there when all of those happened and really, it just didn't work out. I don't want to have any regrets but sometimes I find myself wishing I had never met him. I loved him too much. I should have been focusing on my personal growth, I got too complacent with where I was with my life. During your twenties. believe me, you can't afford to have an insecure partner preventing you from going out there and building your future (and this doesn't even pertain to school or work, just your life in general). Even when you think that your partner is fully in support of what you're doing and you think that they don't limit you in any way and that you have everything under control, it is STILL better not to have one. Seriously. It may sound miserable but believe me, it is actually the complete opposite; it is the best gift you can give yourself--independence.
---
I liked him, always have, and I missed my chance. This doesn't make me sad--time can be cruel--in fact, I can say it made me hopeful. That I will meet someone I will like as much, unexpectedly, without asking or looking. Or more importantly, that I don't have to meet anyone, I can be happy for others and for myself even as a lone one. I know for sure that I am not ready to be in a relationship just yet.
---
It stuck with me, that line--There is more to life than updating your wardrobe and chasing sex. Now this statement is who I have always been and I don't think I plan to change that. Recently there have been instances, influenced by my current close circle of friends, of superficiality, but I don't want to loose footing on who I want to be so I'm keeping this in mind. Always, always be sensible. There is no part of me I want removed or replaced, I just want a better version. I'm focusing on who I want to be, not who I am and definitely not what people say I have become.
---
At the end of the day though, I just want to be a mom. I know that sounds weird coming from me because I'm all for creating and la vie boheme and seizing the shit out every single day but I still find that that's what I really want. And that I want to put up a pre-school. Gahhhhhhhh
It's 3:30 in the morning and I know I should be sleeping or writing that godforsaken event script at least.
I'm just having problems with my ex. I really just wanted to remember something good but this is where we end up after all. I'm sorry, I'm not being selfish (hell, everyone knows I can be the most selfless friend), I just can't handle him. I can't even say I'm not strong enough of a person because I know that despite my crazies I know that I am and I know how many god-knows-what I have gone through in my life and look, I'm still here. But he just gets through me. We were together for a really long time so he knows which buttons to push. I don't know why he doesn't realize how much he affects me. I mean, he had me when I was 20. The early twenties are the most formative years of an adult's life and it is when they are most sensitive and vulnerable. Their environment, the people they hang out with, the things they learn, and the culture they pick up during these years are what sticks to them all through their life. Their future likes and dislikes, values, morals, have their foundation set on everything they consume during this age. This is also the time that a person experiences the most drastic changes in his or her life. The individual eventually learns what he or she really wants and picks them out from all the clutter, keeps them in his or her life box, and throws the rest of them away. I have a lot to say about this matter but I know he would never listen. Like he would never believe that I am also hurt. That he is the reason I am this dysfunctional. And I am not blaming him, it was also my choice, it's just that he was around at that time and he was there when all of those happened and really, it just didn't work out. I don't want to have any regrets but sometimes I find myself wishing I had never met him. I loved him too much. I should have been focusing on my personal growth, I got too complacent with where I was with my life. During your twenties. believe me, you can't afford to have an insecure partner preventing you from going out there and building your future (and this doesn't even pertain to school or work, just your life in general). Even when you think that your partner is fully in support of what you're doing and you think that they don't limit you in any way and that you have everything under control, it is STILL better not to have one. Seriously. It may sound miserable but believe me, it is actually the complete opposite; it is the best gift you can give yourself--independence.
---
I liked him, always have, and I missed my chance. This doesn't make me sad--time can be cruel--in fact, I can say it made me hopeful. That I will meet someone I will like as much, unexpectedly, without asking or looking. Or more importantly, that I don't have to meet anyone, I can be happy for others and for myself even as a lone one. I know for sure that I am not ready to be in a relationship just yet.
---
It stuck with me, that line--There is more to life than updating your wardrobe and chasing sex. Now this statement is who I have always been and I don't think I plan to change that. Recently there have been instances, influenced by my current close circle of friends, of superficiality, but I don't want to loose footing on who I want to be so I'm keeping this in mind. Always, always be sensible. There is no part of me I want removed or replaced, I just want a better version. I'm focusing on who I want to be, not who I am and definitely not what people say I have become.
---
At the end of the day though, I just want to be a mom. I know that sounds weird coming from me because I'm all for creating and la vie boheme and seizing the shit out every single day but I still find that that's what I really want. And that I want to put up a pre-school. Gahhhhhhhh
4.8.14
Ganito kasi 'yan
Miss na kita. Wala na akong naka-connect na papantay sa atin noon. At sa totoo lang, mahal naman talaga kita. Kaso baliw ka, e. As in, hindi bilang adjective, bilang noun. Bilang tao. Ang gusto ko lang naman mangyari ay mawala 'yung kabaliwan mo. Pero sino ba ako para diktahan 'yon, 'di ba? Alam ko namang hindi madali. Ako nga struggling pa rin at nababaliw pa rin from time to time. Siguro kasi alam ko na ngayon na kayang igpawan ang kabaliwan. Hindi man totally, pero enough para hindi maging destructive. Ang pinaka-sane na mga araw/linggo/buwan ng buhay ko ay 'yung wala ka. O, hindi na subjective feelings 'yan. Based na 'yan sa true story. Marami pa akong proof kung bakit ka baliw at kung bakit nababaliw ako 'pag nandyan ka and not in a good way. Pero hindi ko na kaya isa-isahin 'yun, e. Gano'n s'ya nakakabaliw. Masyado na ring maraming masasakit at malalim na things, hindi na kaya tapalan ng bagong memories.
Sayang. Mahal naman talaga kita, e.
Sayang. Mahal naman talaga kita, e.
tangina n'yo pala e
ayoko na talaga muna ng lalaki. sana lumayo-layo muna sila sa 'kin utang na loob.
3.8.14
Someday
Okay, I'm not doing this right now, I have to work.
I'm lucky to have these projects on hand and I shouldn't put it to waste. I can do this. Deadline lang 'yan.
shet ang pogi ng crush ko
Ang tagal na nun. Pero ang sakit pa rin. In love pa rin ako sa mga ala-alang iniwan mo.
I wish there was a chance for a different timeline. I wish you didn't have to be an asshole. But I don't wish to have done things differently. I'm done blaming myself. It was all you. You ruined it all. You and your self-righteousness.
I wish there was a chance for a different timeline. I wish you didn't have to be an asshole. But I don't wish to have done things differently. I'm done blaming myself. It was all you. You ruined it all. You and your self-righteousness.
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