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Sobra 'yung inis ko. Kailangan kong magpalipas ng init ng ulo. Ano kayang pwedeng gawin?

Magdala kaya ako ng libro? O tumakbo? Pwede 'yung takbo. Kemerat din siguro, ;no?

Pagpili

'Yan tayo, e. Lagi na lang na tayong mali ng pinipili. May pagkakataon na ako pinalampas ko pa. Bakit? Kasi pinili ko na naman 'yung luma. Akala ko mas safe. Ang tanga ko talaga. Ayoko na. Lagi na lang ang akong talo.

So ngayon tinatamad na naman akong mag-aral. Buset.

Turn of events

So I might be enrolling this semester. (I need to learn to write again, else I'm in for a deep shit.)

I'm not sure why I'm going back to school. It was an impulsive decision, I admit, and I'm sure it isn't going to be a fun ride.

Wala na naman akong gana sa lahat. Wala na yung Rosspiration ko. Bleagh. Nevermind, I'm find with that. I want my drinking buddy.

Level 54: Restraint

I think I reached a new level of maturity there, when I quit F's prod. Maybe I am starting to learn to avoid unnecessary stressors in my life. It was a project I would have really loved doing. Circumstances seemed to have permit it, the universe and all its star stuff seemed to have agreed on it. But I had grown wise enough to have surpassed something so powerful. I feel like Eugene in Ghost Fighter in his stronger-with-long-black-hair-but-wait-there's-more-it-turns-white mode. I am, proud of myself and at the same time, I can honestly say that I am happy for him. I would like to be able to tell him one day why I quit but I will have to find the words for it first. He has such great potential and this world needs him. He is destined for greatness and I don't want to be the one to cause him to stumble when he's almost there. So let him live the steady, because no matter how on-the-edge I believe one should live, steady is still good. I'm sure there's another timeline for us is what I'm saying.

(I need to learn to be patient again with writing. Including editing.)

I'm approaching my Day 100 in a week and boy, am I proud and not giving a fuck. Of course the thought ot betrayal and not being good enough still hurts a bit and I am still attracted to him sexually. But using all the strength I could muster, I have given up on the thought of anything romantic happening. It is true that you eventually go numb, or almost. I would like to still be friends with him, we enjoyed each other's company, after all. But please, no introductions to the new girlfriend yet. My current self-esteem is too low for that. I am confident that I am not going to relapse that I might just delete our convos right after this blog post.

And B? I miss talking with him and exchanging normal thoughts with him. Thoughts and ideas and stories I could only share with a few people and know that they, at least, get it. (Someone getting it is really a prize, understanding it is just a bonus). There came a point when I thought I have gotten over my romantic feelings for him and I could only see my relationship with him thereafter to be strictly platonic.  I was proven wrong when I saw him again just a few weeks ago. I haven't seen him since the week after his thesis defense and I don't remember to have spent ample time talking to him. We haven't talked much virtually after that so I hadn't really been thinking about him but when I saw him, bam, he still has hold on me. He is still my ideal.

I don't feel like dating or seeing other guys. I only want those that I'm already familiar with. But maybe there just aren't any great men coming my way these days. The great men, you can never find them--like Night Furies--you'll just have to be perseverant, and patient that one day, you'll catch them. The three above? They were too great for my own good.

you were with me for a while
stroking my days

Interlude

Now that I have the time, I'm not sure what to do. I miss living in in-betweens. I'm a little bummed that our press con will not be pushing through tomorrow due to typhoon Glenda and I'm more disappointed than I should be that I didn't get to hang out with B. I just miss the guy is all. It must be the weather. I miss the things that I had been doing around this time last year.

I am not really asking for much in my life. Just a few good friends and the opportunity to create.

Why am I doing production work? What does it have to do with who I want to be as a human being and how I want to live my life?

Am I hoping to learn anything from all this stuff I've been spending my time on? It's the only learning environment I get to have because I have stopped going to school a long time ago. Has my time and effort been worth it? What's the end goal? Where do I draw the line?

I wish I have the resources to learn new things. I'd love to learn how to dance. And write. And bake. And spend more time with crafts.

I know this post is icky and I would die if anybody gets to read all this ranting and it makes me think of myself less but I just have to get my thoughts in writing because there is nothing better to do.

See? Nothing better to do. Hay.

Last Stretch

Last stretch na 'to, kaya ko 'to! Konting puyat lang 'yan! Push lang!

chos

Okay, ang chaka ko pala talaga magsulat dati.

Kahit gusto kong magsulat ngayon masyado na akong inaantok at maaga pa ako bukas. Pero at least, di ba, ineffort ko na mag-type ng kahit ano.

Aksaya space.

I wish I can still write like I used to. And I wish I can write anywhere I want to. And anytime I want to. I am so consumed with this little world that I have forgotten what it's like to create. But that's what I really want to do though.

Gahd I'm sleepy. Please don't hate me.

And here comes the crash. Ang tinding relapse sa buhay. Hindi lang sa lovelife, as in sa buhay.

Kailangan ko na nga talaga ng bagong environment. Hindi na nag-wo-work 'to. Good call 'yung pag-quit ko kay F. Kailangan ko na sa mundong 'yon/'to.

I need something worthwhile to do. Ang mahirap, I've never felt that in anything other than activism. Activism was the only thing that made me feel whole. But I can't, I have to earn money at least.

So maybe I do need to study again. Maybe it doesn't have to be UP. Or maybe it doesn't have to be college. Just study something.

It is difficult to dream when I can't envision the future. I have no will for anything. I just know that I have to take care of the now. It isn't really bad thing, it's just that the now really sucks.

I have to go eat lunch now.

Tanginangbreaknasanka

Nasasaktan pa rin ako pero tanggap ko na. Does that make sense?

Sabi ng kaibigan ko, kapag nasaktan ka raw, most likely i-i-inflict mo rin 'yung pain na 'yun sa iba. Feeling ko nga. Feeling ko kailangan ko munang mamanhid pagkatapos nito.

Hindi ko nga gets kung bakit ba biglang ang big deal ng pagkakaroon ng someone sa buhay ko e. Nabubuhay naman ako dati nang ako lang. Walang pakialam kung may lovelife o wala. Ang takot ko ngayon pati ba naman self-affirmation hahanapin ko na rin sa iba? 'Wag ganon.

Kailangan ko ng mga bagong hobbies, o di kaya bumalik sa mga dating hobbies. Kailangan ko rin yatang dalasan ang pag-uwi sa mga magulang ko. Kailangan ko rin ng bagong mundo.

Ang hirap din ng maraming pinoproblema ha, sa totoo lang.

Feeling ko maximum ko na yung six months sa isang sirkulo. Ang dali ko kasing masaktan at ang tagal mag-move on.

Kailangan ko ngang mag-excel sa isang bagay. Pero bakit wala akong motivation? Actually gusto kong matutong sumayaw. Matagal ko nang frustration 'yon. Pwede naman 'di ba? Ay pora. Haaaay. Trabaho na naman bukas.

Malapit na namana kong ma-deps.

Pota.

Shit, man

What do you know, it's Day 80! I can't express how proud I am with myself. This is awesome! And now maybe I am on that road to acceptance. The last 20 days and I'm still on track. Great job!

I should go to bed now. I wouldn't want to crash tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm Not Bitter

I guess it's time that I admit to myself that I loved you. I fell deeply in love with you. I fell in love with you on the night of December 18, 2013. The night I saw you in a different light.

I admit that I was really hurt. It was you fault, of course. But tonight I understand. It is a different world, yours. One that I can never be a part of. While she, perfectly fits in it. It is a world that I would never truly understand even if I say that I do.

Tonight, I am genuinely happy for you. You are a great guy and I do not want you wasting your time on me anymore. Same way that I can no longer waste mine with you.

And this applies to the other guy too.

Nothing but happiness to the three of us!