His Birthday

I am hurting. Not uncertainly, not by a little. I am hurting. Deep, without blinking, without pausing. Through and through.

---

I'm not sure if I'm mad at RJ because of what he said or because it was B who heard it. RJ said jokingly, "So what, you're going to have sex with F again?"

Afternoon

I should be taking a bath now or hanging newly washed clothes or folding my laundry. Instead, I feel like smoking a bowl and walking around UP. Yes, it is August once again and I don't really feel like doing anything productive. I just want to contemplate life and write.

I don't even have a notebook to write on. But I'll find something. If only I'd get the will to take a shower and get out of this house.

I think I should get a bit of cardio. Should I bike? I feel a little sleepy to do so though. Maybe I'll take a quick nap and figure things out when I wake up. I'll play a movie. And stop thinking about him. And the reply I didn't get.

Hump Day Sugod

Why do I still get a sick feeling in my stomach whenever I see any indication that I'm just second-rate in his life; just on the sidelines ready to catch him whenever he falls this way.

He just posted something: "My Wishlist... :)" I know I'm being shallow and immature and creepy for reacting to something as trivial as this but my mind suddenly went "He was online just three hours ago but he didn't have the time to leave me a message or text me." and a sudden dark feeling dawned on me, I'm not part of his wishlist. He's probably wishing for a nice day out with his girlfriend, for a steady career, and good health. But not for me. He's not wishing for me. He doesn't have to because he knows I'll always be there. Fine, I might be overreading it but I'd be dense if I would say that he likes me enough. Because he doesn't. He just find me convenient. Not to brag and all--I don't even think it's something to proud of--but I have a way of getting some men hooked sexually. I know I can make them want me for the rest of their lives but nothing more than that, nothing beyond sexual.  Minus the sex, they wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. So maybe my friend RJ is right, F is being nice because he wan't something from me (i.e. sex). Sometimes though I still find myself hoping that it's more than that.

I can honestly say that I've had a great night. Past few days I have convinced myself that I'm on this mission of getting my bohemian life back. It hasn't ended up great the past few days but my patience and perseverance has been worth it. Last night was what I have been looking for. I intended to stay at the concert in Sunken for a while but my friend RJ has been bitching about a lot of things and I didn't want to be left alone with my "other friends." So I decided to also go home when he did. I was having a smoke with my housemate when my crush texted me, "Have you gone home?" It was an alternating scene of me getting kilig and my housemate urging me to text back and ask him if he wanted to hang out. So it ended with me going back to Sunken.  Him and one of our friends who is staying with him for the night left about two hours later and I was left with our other friends. We ended up at the house of one of them and went home at quarter to six.

See? My night's been fun. I was actually wondering on the way home if I still want F since I feel like A and I are having a good start. But look at me now, being all stupid and juvenile with this liking for F. I just really want him as much as I don't when I don't. I have no ideas how to do this though. There is only my instincts.

Kadiri

I called him. I don't know why I did but somehow I got the feeling that everything was going to be alright once I've talked with him.

I'm not sure though if that phone call helped. I still don't know what to think. Maybe I'll see him next week, maybe I won't.

---

So the above post was for yesterday. I am such a clingy brat. This has got to stop.

The Cost of An Infatuation Not Worth It

I have just come to the realization that F is not worth it. But maybe for the last time I'd do something sweet for him. And maybe give him M&S chocolates on his birthday. But maybe that would be the last time. Just to play around. Or to make him want me. And not want him back just because.

Just maybe.

Sometimes

Sometimes it's okay to be busy when there's bullshit everywhere. Sometimes work is my escape.

What is this life I'm living, F, and Sepanx

I'm too tired to post anything and it's been like this for a while.

I'm not in the mood to do anything.

The only thing meaningful that comes out of my mouth everyday is "I'm tired." So I guess that defines my life these days.

I am so infatuated with F. But wasn't I with B just a few weeks ago?

I miss talking to my friends. It was so easy when I could talk to them everyday and see them almost everyday.

I miss my Self. I miss everything that I was. I miss being content with where I was. I miss not wishing I was somewhere else or doing something else.

Maybe I do not miss F entirely but I miss the relationship I've built with him.

I want and, I guess, need to be able to start going to my Pdoc again and resume taking my meds.

Wake up, self

You should start taking care of yourself soon or you will fall apart. It might feel like you already have but believe me you're not there yet, but don't wait for it. Do something about it.

Iskeydyuling

Hello, do you know where your brain is? Right now you are fixing your sched. Today is Sunday, tomorrow is Monday.

Tonight, before you sleep, you must have been able to:
-E-mail your PM with details
   -Corrections on program
   -Schedule
      -Tuesday meeting
   -Other assignments (refer to notes)
   -Her assignments
-Search for mirror pegs
-Update Duberri pages
-Email Kyle for her assignments

Tomorrow, when you wake up, you should immediately:
-Check email
-Follow up on Gelbert
-Do Wagas laundry
-Follow up on everyone else for the meeting
-Follow up on Rodgil for the script
-Follow up on Lumad
-Get in touch with Elmer of GPF
-Ask Melai what time you should pre-prod and reply to Aleli

You should set your schedule for:
-a meeting with Cinema Supremo peeps
-Bendor
-Blue Bustamante

Tomorrow afternoon you have:
1pm - meeting with Paeng
3:30pm - tentative meeting with Gelbert
5pm onwards - have to PREP for WAGAS.

Tomorrow evening you have:
7pm - meeting with Sarah
8pm onwards- - PREP for WAGAS

On Tuesday, Nov 12 - WAGAS SHOOT
After pack-up - QC SPONSORSHIP LETTER

On Wednesday, Nov 13
-GPF Deadline for everything
-FINALIZE QC EVENT DETAILS
-DUBERRI DAY

On Thursday, Nov 14
-WALA PA. PROBABLY GPF. And things you weren't able to finish due to procrastination.
-Tentative meeting with artists

On Friday, Nov 15
-GPF Videos deadline, presentation of title cards, song, etc.
-Send out QC invites and letters

On Saturday,Nov 16
-Vee's Pool Party!

On Sunday, Nov 17
-Wala pa!!!

OKAY NA MUNA SIGURO 'TO FOR NOW OKAYYYY

*

I was going to write something. But I forgot what it was going to be about.

I realized

While you're young, waste your time. Especially when you're still a student.

I don't know what to make of this day, or this week. Whatever it is I think it helped me take a step back and look at things at a bigger picture. Or have I done that already? Wait, I ought to do that.

My tita sent me a long message long ago and I'm just replying now. It's the mercury retrograde so what the hell, let's do what we can while it still got its power on us.

My X: C

All I asked was an apology and he couldn't even give it to me, when he ripped my soul into a million pieces. Can you sue someone for being a asshole? How can things like this go unpunished? Isn't pushing someone out of their wits to the point of taking their own life considered a crime?

Me today

I should be working right now but instead, I feel like writing poetry though no topic comes to mind. Like I know how to write poetry. Right.

Homeland Season 3 has been brilliant so far. Not as brilliant as the first two seasons but it comes close. Why can't they kill Brody already? And I ship Quathison so much. And I need a Saul in my life. And for the love of all things holy, Carrie Mathison, I hate that I can relate with something so far-fetched.

The things we do everyday, do they make sense? Why am I here? I shouldn't be. I should be making something out of something else not trying to make something but looking for something else.

Sometimes I'd rather be staying here, at home, dreaming of being out there so that when I'm out there I would be experiencing it fully, mind, body, and soul, than being out there but dreaming of being at home.

I will be trying to get back on track for the next two weeks whenever I'm not working on the event. I know I still have too much on my plate considering that I've already given up a lot but hey, one day at a time. I'm not in a hurry. Everything beautiful is made from easy, slow, gentle loving. I don't agree in the "rock n' roll" ways of getting things done. It just has to be fun and of course full of whole lotta loves.

So maybe you can say that I'm in a good mood. I really have to start working. FOCUS.

I promise this is my last post for tonight

Together

We ran away

Leaving this World

the Love, the Hurt, the Dirt.

We made our Own.

Something not in any word

Our gold and silver pieces

The rush of water, our fountain;

and the soft hum unknown

Pulling back

forevermore and only to us

the gentle strokes

Silently

where secrets are felt

and the skin whispers
eluding Time

Nightmares

My mood today is relatively okay as is the past few days but I've been having nightmares again. Also, I feel like I'm near the brink of depression again so good luck to my week.

Two weeks ago I crashed. Two Fridays ago, it was so intense I thought I was going to go crazy. The last time I felt that way was I think summer of this year. So I forced myself to go on a short break and went home to my parents. Things became better after that so now I'm just waiting for the next bout with depression.

I hope I survive this week. Just too much on my plate.

And I hope I get some money soon. Whew.

impossible

i want to reach out to you
hold you
stroke your face
but i'm too ashamed
of myself and what i did

on the other hand,
i'm too scared
that if i let pride win this
i would lose you forever

i thought i didn't believe in regrets

Back to Basics

The last time I got mad, as in my type of mad was when I was still with C. After months of being stable, albeit not without its imperfections, I got mad again when I was with C again. We weren't together anymore but I was with him when it happened and consequentially, was also because of something he did. Without my noticing, I have stayed mad for well over a month.

Thanks to retrograde, I allowed myself time to think back and reflect on my attitude. I don't want to be mad anymore. I want to go back to what and who I was during those in-between months. I want to be zen, albeit not without its imperfections.

I don't like what I've become so I'm choosing the better. I want to apologize to everyone I've hurt during the past month. To everyone I've scolded, everyone I've said hurtful words to, everyone I've given the cold shoulder. I want to be better.

I have neglected a lot of things and a lot of feelings. I'm going to be better. I will do this.

I want to write everyone a letter. So maybe I would.

----

Dear FBI,

Ang dami kong naiisip nitong mga nakaraang araw at na-realize ko na hindi talaga naging maganda ang aktitud ko sa maraming bagay simula pa noong nakaraang buwan. Marami akong napabayaan at nakalimutan. Higit pa sa gawain, nakaligtaan ko ang higit na dapat pinakabibigyang-halaga, ang mga tao.

(Mahabang kuwento. You can TLDR this part.) Pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon ng "pag-aayos" at "pagpapagaling" nung summer, bumalik ako sa QC (as in the place) nang buong-buo at stable naman, though hindi perpekto. Feeling ko naman bumalik ako non sa bahagi ng sarili ko na mas gusto ko. Napanindigan ko naman yun for a time. Haha. Ilang buwan din akong steady, hindi nagagalit sa kahit na kanino o kahit ano, maganda ang attitude towards life, hindi malala ang mood swings, wala ring episodes, until naging toxic ang buhay ko nung September at, di ko naman maikakaila, nagkaproblema ulit kami ni Carlo, bukod pa sa halu-halo at marami pang ibang mga bagay. Hindi na ulit ako nakabangon mula don, ngayon ko lang naisip, nang magkaroon na ng kahit papaano ay konting pahinga. Lagi na akong iritable, puro trabaho, stressed, toxic bilang tao, at sa isang banda, 'yung pangit na ugali ng pagiging adik sa GTD (Getting Things Done).

Gusto kong humingi ng tawad sa lahat kung hindi naging maganda ang asal ko at lagi na lang naka-focus sa katuparan ng mga bagay-bagay. Sorry kung hindi ko kayo nakakamusta o kung nakakamusta ko man kayo ay kinulang sa pakikinig dahil bumaba na nang bumaba ang EQ ko. Tangina lang. Salamat din sa pasensya,  nandyan pa rin kayo hanggang ngayon.

(GM up to this part only)

B,

Wait, biglang wala akong masabi.

Rob,

Salamat sa pagiging parating andyan! Bukod sa mga araw na bumo-boyfriend duties ka. (Hiwalayan mo na kasi.) (Joke lang.)

I'm back in my comfort zone

I need this time to just be. This is the most peaceful as I can get these days so there. And anyway, I missed Bumblebee. A laptop still feels like a laptop, temporary. It's not for long writing sessions. I can babble about not being able to use public computers for as long as I can remember because I just couldn't. I thought it was because I felt like my privacy was being invaded but I just realized that it was more than that, there's an attachment and feeling of familiarity and comfortability blah, blah, blah...

Anyway.

Remember F? I wrote a creative non-fic prose (and a bunch of other stuff) about him. I intended to chronicle the events as they happened but wasn't able to because, again, laptop. So now that I'm back on my reliable desktop, I think what I would really like to say is that I miss him.

I know that we weren't meant to last a long time but I miss him way more than I thought I would. It even hurts quite a bit. Also, I know that it was my fault. I would like to tell him that I'm sorry for being the bipolar that I am and that I miss him and that I like him, I really do like him but I can't do that anymore. It's too late. All I can do now is hope that when we see each other again, I will be able to hold him tight and he'll know.

All Saints' Day

Why is this day for saints anyway when it's about remembering the dead?

"The business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end, that's all there is." -Mr. Carson, Downtown Abbey, S04E04

"What matters isn't the fact of dying or when you die. It's what you're doing at that precise moment.” -Le Herisson (2009)

"We always think there's going to be more time. Then it runs out." -The Walking Dead, S01E06

And that Dumbledore quote about having a well-organized mind.

Happy All Saints' Day, it is.