Babay

Tulad ng kahit anong bagay na nakasama nang matagal, mahirap iwan basta-basta. Napagtanto ko, lahat ng desisyon ng paglisan ay may nakakabit na pait. Sabihin pang makakabuti, sabahin pang kinakailangan.

Pakiramdam ay tulad ng mga tanong. Sa akin lang kaya may halaga ang mga bagay? Ako lang kaya ang nakakaalala ng mga detalye tulad ng alikabok sa sulok ng pintuan? Minahal n'ya ba ako kahit kaunti, kahit minsan? Nagandahan ba talaga s'ya noong tinuro ko ang buwan?

Naaala mo kaya ang pagtakbo sa mauulang hapon? Ang biyahe ng bus papuntang rally? Ang pagkikita sa ilalim ng Philcoa overpass?

Papunta ako sa 'yo ngayon, para kumuha ng maleta. Pati paglisan ko ng bahay sa 'yo nakasalalay. Ano ba 'yan.

Just like the old times

I wish I can write
Sing
Dance
Take beats
From the heart

Meet the sun
With a new string of songs

Maaari ba akong umiyak lang ngayong gabi?

Ang problema, pati pag-iyak hindi ko na makuhang gawin. Hindi ko na kayang gumalaw. Pwede bang hindi na? Pwede bang tangina ng mundo ayaw muna kitang makita?

O pwede rin bang nandito ka na lang sa tabi ko? O sige, kahit sumaglit lang sa isang araw? Kahit saan, kahit papaano, kahit kailan. Pwede bang marinig ko lang na ika'y akin pa rin? Na ika'y hihintayin pa rin? Sa kabila ng lahat, iyon lang; ikaw lang.

Clean slate

Everything that has to end hurts.

99 problems

It feels weird to be happy. I need to gain my ground again because it's going to be a whole day's work tomorrow. There's still a lot of things I have to do for this prod and I shouldn't have smoked.

The only thing I have to figure out now is money. Where and how do I get fast money?

Oh well. I'll leave that for tomorrow. Good night.

Fleeting happiness.

It's Friday night and all your friends are at your ex's birthday party

No one and nothing else in the world.

Cellphone rings.

"Hi! Where are you?"

"I just got home"

"Are you going out tonight?"

Kind of planning to kill myself actually. What's up?

"Nah, I'm tired. Are you going to my ex's party?"

"I don't think so. You guys are not going anyway."

"No, they're going! You MUST go."

"Really? Alright, I'll call them up,"

Call ends.

There's nothing to hold on to.

"Hi, baby!"

Nothing.

Hopelessness. It's the worst feeling in the world.

"Where are you?"

"Just finished with rehearsals. Why?"

Can you come over and kill me?

"Nothing. Just bored."

"Are you doing anything tonight?"

No reply.

It's the end of the desert.

"Hey, baby, sorry if I haven't been replying to your texts. Awful lot of things to do. :( Good night. See you soon!"

"It's cool. :) Good night."

The fish is dead.

Basag trip nga

Why can't things just be simple? Why can't I be like Antigone?

I made the effort of going to where P is tonight. I was hesitant to go only because I haven't brushed my teeth since yesterday because so typical of me, I forgot to bring my toothbrush. But I had to. And I didn't know what to do. He is mesmerizing and perfect and wonderful and I am this. I am average. I am an intimidated commoner in love with a masterpiece.

I liked a status of his on Facebook for the first time tonight. Just to show that I care. It's a small gesture yet also a grand one on this day and age. People take these things seriously. I hope I don't push him away eventually.

I am sleepy and hungry. The healthiest thing to do would be to sleep and yet here I am.

Must take better care of myself now. Good night.

Online

Tangina, I am so frustrated with where this is going or with not knowing where this is going. How can the person you like be online and you do not talk to them? Maybe I just need to distract myself because obviously he already is distracted. This is what I hate about dating theater people, because I don't get them. I also don't get musicians. And writers. I get filmmakers. Now there you go. Film it is. Or maybe I should expose myself more to theater to help me understand.

He's not even interested on what's been going on with my life. I want to just AAAAARGHHHH!!! So much for thinking this one's going to be different. I thought that even though we don't see each other for weeks on end because--

And I kind of take that back because he just asked me how I am. GAHD, I'M PATHETIC.

It's just hard for someone like me who needs so much attention and who is so clingy and needy and everything a person wouldn't want to be in a relationship with.

I SUCK SO MUCH.

Friday Morning

Good morning. You're still the first thing on my mind. That's okay, this is not new. I experienced the same thing with B and F. I just don't want to be left hanging. You can tell me if I'm being clingy, or if you can't text me as often as you used to, or if you don't want this anymore. But don't leave me hanging. Communication is important to me.  And if you can't give me that, this isn't going to work.

Then again, we're not together so.. this is just me being paranoid, really. I'll wait until March. Then we'll know. :)

Just Because

I have made the baby step towards productivity by writing my To-Do List but I can't get through the day without writing about you first.

Because I like you. I like you not because we kiss, or hug, or have sex. I just like you. Because you take my breath away and fill my lungs with sweet air at the same time. I like you not because I think you can fly. I like you because you walk. You run. You dance. Just like I do. I like you not because you are the Sun, but because no matter how gloomy things would get, I'd still think the sun shines out of your ass. Not because we enjoy dinner conversations, but because we enjoy (devouring) our food in silence without feeling awkward about it. Not because you look good and every girl wants to be with you, but because I want to be with you and do everything with you.

Afternoon D

I need to focus on work. No more dilly-dallying. I need to earn enough money to get me through this life. Really, because I also need to start spending on therapy and meds again. My early part of a year is usually spent on the arts and that's what I intend to do again this year. In order to sustain that I need to be able to support myself financially.

So no matter how down I am right now I know that I need to move. I'm really sleepy and I feel like giving in to my mood but I know that I can't. Maybe I should start with walking around the campus, and maybe even go for a run. Hopefully, I'll actually be able to finish something after.

In love and still bipolar

P and I were supposed to go on a lunch date today but he woke up late so we rain checked. I don't mind, I know that he's busy and exhausted from everyday's rehearsals but I just thought it would be my little bit of feel good to see him just for a second, to get me through the day and even the week.

I imagine if I was in a better mood I would have insisted that I see him before his rehearsals even without lunch, but I'm down and have no capacity to make such happy decisions. I know I underestimate myself but I have learned that the best way to deal with this mood is to let it pass and just do my best to survive while I'm in the midst of it.

Maybe I shouldn't pour out my feelings to him so much yet. I don't want to scare him off. Everything in proper time.

Also, I have so much work to finish I really can't afford to stay here and wallow. I'll probably just end up watching Downton Abbey. Problem with my parents' house though is the shitty internet connection that I will have to make do with because really, I have to get my shit together and petty problems like these should not even deserve a spot in this blog.

i wish the weather would just clear up for a few days. I need my sunshine to recharge. I need my focus, my super-working-power.

Oh dear, I wish I'm making the best decision right now.

And I really have to start filling out my mood diary and also just grow the fuck up.

P has been nothing but good to me and I miss him every minute of every motherfucking day. And I don't want anything else in the world but to come home to him every night.

But I still think about B, and all the moments we had. My craziness that only he, up to this point, understands, because he can be just the same. The late cloudy afternoon runs and endless talks. The time he held my hand but I chose to let go before it even happened. The long bus rides, to and from our hometown. The lone times at one house party and another one. I felt it then. I know I didn't imagine them, the sparks.

I sometimes also think about F, His kiss, his skin. The way he makes me laugh. The silence. The way we hanged out like we were best friends, and more. His sweetness and sometimes, immaturity. I'd like to hang out with him again, as friends.

Monogamy

I don't even know why
I still think about you
and you
when I already have you

Star

when something is too good to be true
do you just pass it off as that?
or do you embrace it
give it a chance
it might be worth it and though sometimes it's too much
that it might hurt
a lot
you still hang on that
this
little bit of sunbeam
will be yours
until the world goes dark

high

a hot guy is sleeping next to me right now then xx's intro comes on on 8tracks. i want to rape him so bad.

G just asked me when's the last time C and I had sex. I'm feeling anxious.

If there's anything I'm thankful for...

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

26. First date(?).

I realized that the reason I can't sleep is I have a lot of things on my mind. I have to go pick up my check tomorrow and then figure out how to get one more ID and then go to the back and then head to QC. I hope I finish early. I'm already anxious as it is. There's a possibility that things might not go well tomorrow but we'll see. I don't have anything planned but seeing that we don't have that much in common I'm not sure what we're going to talk about. These are things that were easy with B, and even with F. But P is just different. I like him though so I'm willing to give it a shot. If it does fail, well...

Press Start

It looks like he likes me after all. And I'd like to see more of him.