Thursday

Did absolutely nothing today. Ate a lot, but that's about it. For someone as broke as I am, I sure do eat way more than what I earn.

Ang lungkot maging ako, sa totoo lang. Wala akong reli sa mundo.

Oo, 'yun ang realization ko ngayong araw; sa totoo lang, irrelevant ako.

Medyo masaklap. Pero enlightening.

Dahil ba ganito ako ay ititigil ko na ang mga ginagawa ko? Or do I strive to be relevant? May point ba ang pagiging relevant? Meron. Pero kailangan bang lahat ng bagay ay relevant?

I want to forget about guys. Most of the time it's fun messing around. But on nights like this? No, I'm fine, thank you.

And I'm awfully sleepy. I still have work to do though.

But I don't think I can still do them tonight.

And I'm broke.

I'm going crazy thinking about what I've been doing. Throwing myself to different men. It felt great then; I didn't really care. I mean, I'm confident with who I am so who gives, right?

But right now, depressed as I am, I'm starting to think that that was very lowly of me. Throwing myself around. Gah.

Okay, I'm confused.

Funny Thing

I still found myself wondering why he texted. I read the message almost two hours late and although all I replied was a cold, "Yup?" I still can't get it out of my head. Does he need something again? Will I oblige again this time? I certainly hope not. Enough. I don't want to have anything to do with my anymore. I will try my best. I don't want another chauvinistic male in my romantic life. Especially someone who thinks his talent is a gift from God. Oh, spare me.

I'm still wondering why he texted though. Maybe I'm just saying all of these because I don't want to get disappointed and prove the fact that he only remembers me when he needs something.

Trigger dappy

I have been depressed since this morning. Of course there was a trigger.

I went to the SONA rally yesterday and it went crazy.
To top it off, I was with my ex.

Confusing shit.

I want to go to UP for a walk. But it's been raining the whole day. MLIA.

Ramdam

Bakit ba ang sarap ng bawal?! Utang na loob.

Nababaliw na 'ko. Kailangan kong magpakalma. LITHIUM. Nakakatamad lang lumabas para bumili. Fuck.

Sobrang naturally high ko kaya kong kainin ang buwan ngayong gabi.

Medyo kumalma ako sa yosi. Pero nahihilo ako. Meron nga pala ako ngayon. Damn this bipolar life.

Kailangan ko yata talaga ng dyowa para hindi kung sinu-sino ang pinapatulan ko.


Bumuga ako, dahan-dahan
Nakapikit
Humithin ulit ako ng isa pa
Pinanood ko ang usok na umikot
Papalayo, hanggang maglaho

IKR

man.

i am so fucked up.

i just had semi-sex with one of my closest guy friends in the world.

Hello, Stranger

It's been a while since I've been here. Or has it?

I've been a rollercoaster of a whirlwind on a sunny day with thunderstorms. I haven't been doing my work and have been spending most of my time bumming around, drinking and smoking.

This is what it's like to be happy and a mess at the same time. My mood dictates that I'm depressed but I still have that spark in my heart whenever I choose to look for it.

There's a guy I like. I have to say that I'm in no hurry with these things. Besides, I'm not sure if I do like him or this is just one of those in-the-moment whims. Aside from being careful with my own feelings, I'd also have to be careful with his. Nobody likes a bitch. Our situation's complicated though and I don't think we can ever be together in the real world. Like a beautiful cliche, we are but a dream.

I know that what we have is not going anywhere but I still wish we could hang out more. Spend long conversations and comfortable silence. Coffee, cigarettes, pavements, music, the works. Sue me, there's unbelievable bliss in being romantic.

No to Basic

The black hole at the pit of my stomach is back.

I don't get enough sleep, I binge a lot, and I am incessantly anxious. I just don't want to mess this up. I'm going to work hard on this one.

I just have to try my best to not lose my job in the process. Better time management, less social life.

I'm going to be busy, busy, busy, busy, busy.

1. Secure venue for shoot

2. Turnover PM things to the real PM

3. Budget breakdown

4. Create database of funding opps and grants

5. Devise crowdfunding strategy

6. Create and develop marketing presentation / pitch design

Number 1 and 2 is okay. Must be able to achieve these within the week.

Numbers 3 to 6 however...

Man, I should really be catching up on my real day job back log.

baliw

So I kind of broke my phone I think. I'm not sure how it happened but it's driving me nuts. Just the thought of F texting and me not being able to read the message makes me want to throw a fit. But I must deal with it with impeccable grace. Nobody likes a whiner. This mercury retrograde will soon pass.

I'm not sure what would be more disappointing, not being able to read his message or him not texting.

Dancing With Myself

I'm just feeling really heartbroken right now. I can't take it that I can't get what I want. I think, more than anything else, that's what irks me. I guess part of being Bipolar is being raised a spoiled brat. Or is it the other way around? You grow up acting like a spoiled brat because you're Bipolar? Man. Anyway, I want it and I want it now. I shouldn't have delayed. What was I expecting, some form of itimacy? Please. All guys really want is to get into a girl's pants. I don't know where the love things come from anymore. I think that just happens eventually once you've built intimacy and yes, dependence. So what is this I'm feeling then? Does it mean that I have another motive other than the sex? Was I expecting to date him? I guess I was bit expecting, huh? Why can't I live a normal promiscuous life? Why do I always have to get feelings involved? I guess I just find it more exciting when you really like each other or at least pretend that you like each other than when what you really want is to hook up. I guess that's romantic. But romantic is romantic for a reason. Believe me, romantic is exciting.

I guess what I really want is a constant companion that I can fuck.

Get a grip, man.

And I miss him, I miss him so badly. I want it. I want to devour his existence one second and cuddle with him the next. The previous one drived me wild, but this one's different; he drives me crazy. Now I get what Britney Spears was talking about.  I can't stop thinking about him 24/7. I even dream about it. And yes, in spite of all this, I don't want him as a boyfriend. I just want him.

Now I think he might have thought that I broke up with my ex because of him and he got paranoid. Well, that would explain how he had gone MIA all of a sudden. My life sucks. I have already broken up with that toxic guy and he still brings me misery. Damn.

Now I'm angry.

And I'm chatting with a cute guy. Bye.

Crashing

is when everything seems worthless.
Nothing seems fun.
I can't tell stories.
My jokes aren't funny.
I want to quit work.
My body feels sleepy all day.
All charm are stripped off me.
Lame, pathetic, desperate.

ending like this without even knowing
how it would have started
crushes, grinds my soul
it could have been a different timeline
if it had not been
if it would have been

sparklers

sometimes it's okay
to see rainbows across a clear glass
and there's no problem in
reveling on the weather
an instinct of
a chilly night; the right, perfect time
and grandeur of
the loud, screaming sun
anticipation of the now
not tomorrow or the next
just the moment of skipping through beats
racing through multitudes of pictures and places
not caring somehow
about the shadows running past
feeling what it is
the warmth of the red or even the blue
sparks.

Moving too fast

Maybe I am rushing things or maybe I just don't know how to say no.

And in retrospect, these are two things--rushing things and not saying no--I have always been guilty of.

I think things are going to be better from today. Aside from my still really broke ass.

Tinding mood killer din ng ex ko. Very effective. Ngayon parang nawalan na tuloy ako ng gana. O baka 'yung fact din na magkikita na kami ng crush ko finally ang nakakawala ng thrill. 'Wag kasing minamadali, sayang 'yung kilig, nauubos.

a chair is a chair

maybe i'm leaning too low,

but revisiting words

there must be something on why

not just a whim of the cold winds and rusty night,

even as a dream it wouldn't have been

just a passage of space across my sight

for it is

as any creation is

as a moss on a rock,  

as the moon is

Here we are again

And then I realized I didn't have to delete this blog. I just had to change the URL.

At this very moment I have the following thought/realizations/epiphanies for the day:

1. Gym Class Heroes sounds so much heavier live than on recording.
2. I can't have my Facebook friends reach 200..
3. I thought I already grew tired of him but because he didn't reply to my message I'm on my toes again. Well-played.
4. When a person is missing from Facebook, it doesn't mean that they've actually gone missing in real life.
5. I have totally forgotten about the Purple Pills song by D12. And I never knew until now that it was actually "Pills" and not "Hills" like in the radioversion. SMH.
6. I have only discovered SMH recently.
7. Hollest is Skype's former CEO; you know, the hidden emoticon (hollest).
8. My head is too big for my body and I really have ugly, bony legs.
9. I have confirmed that I can get really obsessive with people I like.
10. Zee Avi really does send me to sleep. <3 (Even for a short while.)

Wala pa ring mas effective na pampatulog sa mahabang pag-iyak.

I just deleted my most recent post, and in a few days I'm taking this blog down. There is no point in keeping it if I will not be able to post whatever I want anyway, which was supposedly why I created it in the fist place.

Okay, I'm going to get fired from work today. kthxbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Biglaan

hazy, like the night
you touched me
I flinched, both from
fear and ecstasy

we live for the anticipation
counting the days of not knowing
where one is, what one feels
until we meet on the stage
behind the curtains

please let this not be farce

---

Sa bawat tanong, bawat piglas,
bawat pagdadalawang-isip
at pagtataka kung bakit nga ba,
ang tanging sagot na maibibigay ko:
Para sa 'ting dalawa

Papalapit, mula magkatabi hanggang magkadikit
Gusto ko, ayaw ko, mali 'to, ngunit
naging saksi ang bukang-liwayway
kung alin ang bungang pinatamis
at alin ang hininog nang kulang at pilit

Naalimpungatan pa, gising nang damdamin
Ito ang uniberso at wala tayong panalo
"Masyado kang nakakatuwa," bulong ko sa kawalan.
Nginitian ko s'ya at tinignan nang matagal
bago tumayo at naglakad papalayo