Past is Fast

Hi! Hello-- Excuse me. Gusto ko lang sabihin na napaka-insensitive mo. Pagkatapos ng lahat. Sobra ka na. Bahala ka na. Kebs. Babay.

Career

I've been meaning to blog forever but I just can't find time! I'm too busy with everything. This job is eating my time, my life!

Never Quite Well

Everything was going well until... a long weekend just had to happen. I need to get back to work.

2NE3: None The Wiser

Today I am, drum roll please, 23. And I am proud to say that: 

I was mulling over on how I've been living my life, and at some point I almost felt that I should have done it differently. Had I sold myself out early on I would have "achieved" more in this bourgeois world, I would have been more "kaaya-aya," as I put it, to people of the upper class. But really, looking back I think I lived well. "I know I lived and missed some bullets." ika nga ni Kid Cudi. I keep saying that 2011 is not my year considering all the mishaps but I can proudly say that I owned the past 23 years and I will keep owning the years to come.

Thy Shall Not Wear Prada

Because my life is a movie I got myself a new job. I landed that Devil-Wears-Prada job. I'm an Editorial Assistant at a publishing company. I will be working on two of their magazines, one is family-oriented and the other is kind of a luxurious lifestyle guide for the young. So it isn't just about designer clothing, it's about designer everything, which I know nothing about by the way. I am way out of my element here.

It is perfect for my "My Life is a Movie" stint but it is also hectic. I am putting my life at risk because I don't really want the normal, boring life I've been telling everyone about. I tell people I want to behave, leave peacefully, be saintly rada-rada-rada but no, I don't think I'm ready for that just yet. So, yeah, I'm jumping straight into the shark's mouth for entertainment's sake. I want to see myself come out alive of this one.

The "My Life is a Movie" Episode

SO. I've got this new thing were I use pop-culture references to comment about everything and then I tell stories about my life like it's a movie. But I'm launching it officially tomorrow on Twitter. Because I'm bored. And I want to make myself stop thinking that my life is a movie by making fun of the idea itself. ANYWAAAAAY.

Mogwai's gone. They closed down.

And because my life is a movie, I see this as a sign.

See, when C and I first met we watched Amy Winehouse. On our first date we went to Mogwai. Just weeks after we broke up, she died. Not long after, Mogwai closes down. I SWEAR IT'S A SIGN. I don't know what it means but I'll get to the bottom of this!

Because my life is a movie.

So I'm getting to bed early and I'm going to make a blow-by-blow account tomorrow on Twitter of how my life is a movie.

Alam Mo

Okay na 'ko. As in. Pramis. Hindi ko alam kung ano 'yung mga pinagdada-drama ko nung mga nakaraang araw. Baka minsan kailangan ko lang talaga ng drama sa buhay pero seryoso, okay na 'ko.

Gusto kong tumawa ng marami dahil ang saya lang talagang realization sa buhay nito. WOOT!

Drama

Masyado nang pathetic mga posts ko lately kaya enough na. Promise. Hanggang dito na lang.

Say it with me, "I am SO happy for you." Now say it out loud with all the sincerity you can muster. Make it sound as genuinely as possible. Any sudden rise in pitch must be taken note of. Practice 'yan para 'pag nagkita kayo ulit.

Bestfriends

I am so obsessed with the romanticized idea of friendship. :(

Life Changes and My New Pursuit of Happiness

Okay. First. I have an interview at 9:30 AM. Yes, I should be sleeping. Whatever. Another yes, I'm serious (breeeeeeathe) with the changes I'm planning for my life. I'm going to get a job, live a normal life, be healthy, and all that sell out jazz. A romantic relationship is out of the picture but romance isn't. It's going to be Eat Pray Love Work Play. New mantra, yes. ("Eat, drink, and be merry" will always, always be part of me though.)

Second, I have three pimples on my face! First there was just one and then I thought, oooh, someone's crushing on somebody. And then there were two and I thought, oh, boy, love triangles are never good. And then there came the third, which is really small and is situated far away from the other two. Hahahahahaha! That's my complicated life relationships right there, in my face. Awkward. Yes.

Third, I think I'm being unfair to C (my X). I shouldn't be sharing my emotional baggage with him because I know that he still has feelings for me. Well I also still do for him but I really, really have decided to move on. I don't know.

Last and most importantly, my parents caught me with my weed stash. I don't know who checked my bag but they both saw it. It was like this:

Early in the A.M. in my bedroom

Mom (wakes me up): What's this?
Me (still half-asleep): Marijuana.

And that was the end of me.

Ma was cool with it. She's cool about everything. She's just worried that I could have gotten caught or arrested. But Pa, he's something else. He hasn't talked to me about it yet and honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. Okay, I admit, I'm hoping the end of the world happens first.

No fuss. :)

The past few days I've been thinking incessantly about how I feel for "L". What is this, really? Is our relationship purely platonic? How much do I like him?

But tonight, I realized, IT IS NO BIG DEAL and it is not worth mulling over. I'm just going to live life as it is. I'm not closing any doors, but hey, I can't waste time thinking about something without really doing anything about it except waiting for the answers to be delivered at my doorstep. It's like staring at a wall wishing it would reveal answers to all my life problems. I've done that so many times and believe me, I'm always the one who comes up with the solutions, not the wall.

I'm just going to enjoy this, whatever this is. I don't think I'm ready to enter another romantic relationship anyway so there's really no need to know where I stand. So unnecessary. Alright. I'm good. Gray area's good.

:)

On Secret Friendships

Actually I was composing a blog post about the three boys of my life but I lost will in the midst of it. Hahaha! My three secret relationships with my bestest bestfriends, all are platonic... sometimes bordering on romantic.

So yes, I've been seeing C (My X) lately. There's that comfort in familiarity. Nobody really knows that we still talk with and see each other and we'd like to keep it at that. So yeah, this is definitely a secret.

I had been seeing HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named for the past two nights.  We only see each other when his girlfriend's out of town. I don't understand why either, I'm close friends with his girl and I was the one who introduced them to each other. But, yes, that makes this kind of a secret. Anyway, we were so happy to see each other we got drunk. Bad drunk. We were a bit intimate and ended up holding hands. But, really, everything was fun and fine until I totally got wasted. I think I barfed out the window of his car and probably also in his house. And, yes, I ruined the night.

Yesterday, I invited "L" (the creature, rebound) to see a Cinemalaya film at the UPFI. He said no. This really annoyed me. He doesn't want to go out with me because he doesn't want us to be seen by others because he doesn't want people to be saying stuff about us and because he doesn't want my X to know that we still talk to each other. A secret. Yep.

Last night, I found myself in the same table as HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, my X, and HuBu's girlfriend's older brother. Oh, boy. I had to leave. Fast. Went to a friend's place.

Again, the night was ruined. I texted "L". Because that's what we do, I listen to his problems and he listens to mine. I didn't receive a reply this time around though.

Then this morning he called. He just asked how I was. How sweet! He has never called me before (we never call each other) so I really did appreciate it. It was weird though. He is so nice so I guess it's too bad that "L" and I will never happen.

Too complicated. Sometimes it gets me thinking if I should end these secret friendships. I benefit from it, I guess, but I would also love stability and normalcy. Get me?

Uhm, who?

Who's that girl? I don't know. Who was he talking to? I don't know! Hey, who was that girl your ex was flirting with? Ugh, seriously? Kthxbye.

I don't know, I don't want to know, and I don't care. Jeez. These people. He can do whatever he wants. And, hello, care to be more sensitive?

:(

I AM SO MAD. :(

And I really shouldn't be blogging. Must go to sleep now.

Will update soon. :(

AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Baby Steps, Right?

I'm keeping myself busy today. I've actually got plans! I'm leaving early so I should be sleeping by now but we all know that's not going to happen. No matter what though, I AM waking up early.

Also, I've already got two job offers. Not interested in both though. Tralalalalala.

I'll get by. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight? *GRIN*

Computer Clutter III: Eternal Sunshine

I deleted our private photos. No matter how much I miss you I can't go back to you. I have to give myself a chance.

Cleaning Computer Clutter Part II

Still cleaning computer clutter. While browsing through photos I saw 3/20/10.

Ha.

Remember that time when I wasn't feeling well but forced myself to go to your gig because I knew it was important to you? And after the gig you wanted me to come with you to your mini-reunion with your highschool friends? I was hesitant because I was already feeling nauseous but you said that we would just drop by to say Hi and then we could go home immediately after? But remember that that didn't happen? Remember how we stayed longer and then you eventually let me take a cab home so you could go out with them?

I should have known then.

Lost And Unfortunately Found

While I was cleaning my computer clutter, I found this, dated August 04, 2010:


Simply:
That moment when the rain fell
I held you as if hugging an unfaltering nostalgia

The familiar smell of childhood:
A feisty little girl scrambling out the door
To meet the pouring of the rain
Then suddenly pauses outside the door
Looking around
Suddenly not knowing what to do next
"Come on!," a playmate shouts
She smiles, chortles, runs over, almost stumbling

That very moment the rain fell
Your eyelids beneath my fingers
feeling it down to your lips
the rain's droplets at the edge of your mouth

The girl dancing as if to pay respects
high-pitched laughters of euphoria
oblivious to the world
just this moment, we forget,
how ugly, miserable, and dark everything is

I hold your hand
The innocence of the moment
Just lying on the same bed
Tracing the constellations of your palm
Completely different yet strangely familiar

That moment after the rain
Watching the spectrum of colors in your eyes
So simple as a refracted light
Yet as fantastic as the legends told surrounding its beauty

---

And then I probably edited it because I found this, dating August 05, 2010:

Simply:

That moment when the rain fell

I held you like an unfaltering nostalgia

An exploding warmth,

A feeling of glee, a taste of bliss almost unreal

The familiar smell of childhood:

The spirited leap of a girl scrambling out the door

To meet the pounding of the rain

An abrupt pause

Suddenly uncertain what to do next

A playmate shouts her name

She grins—runs over, almost stumbling

Your eyelids beneath my fingers

Learning every crease, groove, as if it were my own

Droplets of rain at the edge of your lips

A thirst-quenching kiss

The girl dancing as if to pay respects

Shrill laughter of euphoria

Not oblivious but embracing

Not quixotic like a starry-eyed tale

But a warm touch of optimism

Amidst a perpetual drought

She lied down in the cemented path

And as I hold your hand

Capturing the innocence of the moment

Tracing the constellations of your palm

Different yet familiar

I surrender to your arms

That moment after the rain

Watching the spectrum of colors in your eyes

So simple as a refracted light

Yet as fantastical as its beauty:

A spectacle twice only in a lifetime

---

If only I still have the will (and the feelings) to finish it. A poem that never will be.

And where were you when I needed you?

Funny, the circumstances,

It's Official

It's official, I've lost everything. And I, from hereon out, am a nomad. I will stay strong though. Couch-hopping, it is! For I have no other option. LOL. There's always that brighter side in things. Well, maybe not brighter, just... less dim.

I might not be able to update regularly from now on because I wouldn't always have access to internet. I don't even know where I'm going yet! I'm leaving in an hour. Yep.