I might be going crazy. I've been thinking about him 24/7 since. I am tempted to look at his profile page but scared of what I might find. Because I am still in denial. I refuse to accept that he has already moved on.
I want to text him but I fear rejection. I've been left behind too many times in this lifetime that I feel like one more rejection will send me to the asylum.
If he does reply to my text though, I wouldn't know what to feel. I don't think I'd be happy either. I just want to move on and focus on myself. I have nothing to offer him.
14.4.14
Day 2A: Naaalala kita 'pag nakadilat at nakapikit ako
Kailangan kong ulit-ulitin sa sarili ko na "Asshole s'ya, asshole s'ya, asshole sya." pero hindi ko alam kung naniniwala pa rin ako. PUTANGINAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Kinukunsinti ko lang ba 'tong feelings na 'to? May choice ba, pwede bang hindi maramdaman 'to?
So how do I cope without getting intoxicated?
So I Googled "heartbreak" and "bipolar disorder" just so I can see the possible ways I can deal with this without getting any more mental.
I'm not sure it helped.
I just have to be proud with myself that I was able to make such difficult decision. It was the wise thing to do. Yes.
Kinukunsinti ko lang ba 'tong feelings na 'to? May choice ba, pwede bang hindi maramdaman 'to?
So how do I cope without getting intoxicated?
So I Googled "heartbreak" and "bipolar disorder" just so I can see the possible ways I can deal with this without getting any more mental.
I'm not sure it helped.
I just have to be proud with myself that I was able to make such difficult decision. It was the wise thing to do. Yes.
Day Two: I see your smile everywhere! Gaaaaaaaaaaah!
Ang sakit in so many parts. Actually ang sakit all over.
Maybe I'm just crashing and that's sort of my fault but FUCK, it is not getting any easier. The positivity of yesterday is gone and the possibility of the future unclear.
I remember him in every song. My heart slowly breaks everytime I hear a tune. He was on my mind when I saw the sun rise and I'll probably remember him when I look at the moon.
He is fucking everywhere.
Now I do not doubt the 100 days. I do need time.
Our conversation that night keeps playing in my head and I keep second-guessing my decision and thinking, oh pride, your cruel, cruel thing. What if what I thought was the wise decision was just my ego talking? Because I wanted to have the last say. I didn't want to look like I was begging him to take him me back even if that's exactly what I wanted him to say. I just wanted to hug him, kiss him, and hold his hand all through the night.
But enough, he said it, he wasn't ready. I can't do with that. There's no future there.
Why am I even thinking about the future?
Shit. God damn.
I have to stand by what I said and I have to remember how much of an asshole he was. And I have to remember that he's dating someone now and by what I am told, he even brings her food in the rehearsals.
ENOUGH, DEE. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THESE THOUGHTS. HE IS AN ASSHOLE, CORRECT?
Yeah. Right.
Maybe I'm just crashing and that's sort of my fault but FUCK, it is not getting any easier. The positivity of yesterday is gone and the possibility of the future unclear.
I remember him in every song. My heart slowly breaks everytime I hear a tune. He was on my mind when I saw the sun rise and I'll probably remember him when I look at the moon.
He is fucking everywhere.
Now I do not doubt the 100 days. I do need time.
Our conversation that night keeps playing in my head and I keep second-guessing my decision and thinking, oh pride, your cruel, cruel thing. What if what I thought was the wise decision was just my ego talking? Because I wanted to have the last say. I didn't want to look like I was begging him to take him me back even if that's exactly what I wanted him to say. I just wanted to hug him, kiss him, and hold his hand all through the night.
But enough, he said it, he wasn't ready. I can't do with that. There's no future there.
Why am I even thinking about the future?
Shit. God damn.
I have to stand by what I said and I have to remember how much of an asshole he was. And I have to remember that he's dating someone now and by what I am told, he even brings her food in the rehearsals.
ENOUGH, DEE. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THESE THOUGHTS. HE IS AN ASSHOLE, CORRECT?
Yeah. Right.
13.4.14
Day 1
I haven't been hurt this much by another person. And the stupidest thing is, I still like him. But I have decided--I'm through. If he doesn't like me enough to try and make things work then I'm done. I've been hurt too many times in this lifetime and I'm not willing to risk another for something that is not going to work in the long run anyway. I might be being too safe but hey, I've got my emotional health to take care of. I'm crazy enough as it is.
Today is the first day of my 100 Days to Moving On. A hundred days may seem too long, but those who have gone through the rollercoaster of a process called moving on would agree that it's a shitty long ride.. I shall lose feelings for him sooner than 100 days but to totally move on is a different challenge altogether. And also given my history of hanging on for too long in all cases, this would be probably the second most difficult challenge of the year, next to paying debts. I can't promise that there won't be moments of relapse--there will be a lot. But I shall try my best never to make the first move.
20 days of Denial
20 days of Anger
20 days of Bargaining
7 days of Depression (sorry, 20 days might kill me.)
Then Acceptance
This might be too ideal but I'm just throwing it out there. We'll see. At least I have found a way to amuse myself out of this crappiola of a situation.
Fact #1: I like him. Primarily because I chose him. I thought he was different. Isn't that always the story?
Fact #2: He might have liked me at one point but not enough to see it through.
Fact #3: If he shows just a slight hint that he still likes me, I'll come running back to him.
Let's be honest here, if Fact #3 does happen, I'd probably lose my mind. I should just remember not to invest any feelings. Just be cold inside. I can do that. I know I can. I've never but that doesn't mean I can't.
More importantly, do not expect and do not wish for Fact #3 to happen! Let's try to do this as less complicated as possible.
Let Day 1 begin.
Today is the first day of my 100 Days to Moving On. A hundred days may seem too long, but those who have gone through the rollercoaster of a process called moving on would agree that it's a shitty long ride.. I shall lose feelings for him sooner than 100 days but to totally move on is a different challenge altogether. And also given my history of hanging on for too long in all cases, this would be probably the second most difficult challenge of the year, next to paying debts. I can't promise that there won't be moments of relapse--there will be a lot. But I shall try my best never to make the first move.
20 days of Denial
20 days of Anger
20 days of Bargaining
7 days of Depression (sorry, 20 days might kill me.)
Then Acceptance
This might be too ideal but I'm just throwing it out there. We'll see. At least I have found a way to amuse myself out of this crappiola of a situation.
Fact #1: I like him. Primarily because I chose him. I thought he was different. Isn't that always the story?
Fact #2: He might have liked me at one point but not enough to see it through.
Fact #3: If he shows just a slight hint that he still likes me, I'll come running back to him.
Let's be honest here, if Fact #3 does happen, I'd probably lose my mind. I should just remember not to invest any feelings. Just be cold inside. I can do that. I know I can. I've never but that doesn't mean I can't.
More importantly, do not expect and do not wish for Fact #3 to happen! Let's try to do this as less complicated as possible.
Let Day 1 begin.
4.4.14
kelan ba
Minsan mapapatanong ka na lang sa hangin, habang nakahiga, nakatititg sa kisame; kailan ba nagbago? Kukunin mo cellphone mo o mag-la-log in ka sa Facebook mo, babalikan mo 'yung convos n'yo, hahanapin mo; kailan ba nagbago?
Isang araw daw bigla na lang n'yang naisip, gusto n'yang mag-focus sa craft n'ya at sa sarili n'ya. Pero hinahanap mo, wala namang marka sa documentation mo ng buhay n'yo kung saan kaya nagbago. Excuse.
'Yung isa, hindi mo talaga mawari. Hindi mo alam kung pagsisisihan mong bigla kang nawala. Na siya ay bata at ikaw may mga responsibilidad ng isang matanda. Hindi na kaya ang mga dating pasulpot-sulpot na adventures.
Sana bumalik na lang ang lahat sa dati. Promise, ibibigay ko ang lahat, hihintayin ko ang sagot mo, at hindi ako papayag sa "keri".
Isang araw daw bigla na lang n'yang naisip, gusto n'yang mag-focus sa craft n'ya at sa sarili n'ya. Pero hinahanap mo, wala namang marka sa documentation mo ng buhay n'yo kung saan kaya nagbago. Excuse.
'Yung isa, hindi mo talaga mawari. Hindi mo alam kung pagsisisihan mong bigla kang nawala. Na siya ay bata at ikaw may mga responsibilidad ng isang matanda. Hindi na kaya ang mga dating pasulpot-sulpot na adventures.
Sana bumalik na lang ang lahat sa dati. Promise, ibibigay ko ang lahat, hihintayin ko ang sagot mo, at hindi ako papayag sa "keri".
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