Pathetic

Okay. So nagnilay-nilay ako nang slight at napagtanto kong medyo pathetic 'tong pinagdadaanan ko. Therefore ititigil ko na ang pangungunsinti sa feels ko at hahayaang mangyari ang mga pwedeng mangyari. Kung wala man e di wala.

Tinatamad na ako kay F. Minsan natutuwa ako sa pagiging pa-girl n'ya (sexist ako minsan), kaso minsan naman ayoko ng alagain. S'ya ang pinakabata sa lahat.

Ayokong i-push si M. Ayoko lang. Nakakatamad at maraming kumplikasyon.

Si B? Gusto ko s'ya kaso hindi ko s'ya matantsa. E-effort pa ba 'ko? 'Wag na, dadagdag pa ako sa bagahe n'ya.

Gusto ko si A. Masarap s'yang kausap at magaan kasama. And at least may linu-look forward ako sa sembreak dahil sa kanya. Yikee.

Sometimes I wish you were at least 2 years older than you are right now

Don't get me wrong. I like you, you're perfectly beautiful, glitches and all. But I've got too much on my plate and I don't know if I could fit you right in, maybe by the edge, right beside pre-prod meetings and event plannings. See? That's my life, full of boring responsibilities, complications, and a bunch of adult crap. I'm too much baggage for your relatively young life.

Sometimes I feel like I should go back to my regular job, because really, I have nothing to prove, so what do I get from all of these production work? I'd rather stick to personal and passion projects than work for the pseudo-"New Wave Independent" film industry, much less for the commercial industry.

I swear I will get this new film project done and over with as smoothly as I can then I will go back to my regular programming. Do what I've always done and wanted to do, to live for life itself. I have so many things I want to do! I want to create! I think I've done enough helping people actualize their dreams, I should take a step for mine.

I'm sorry, self, for the title, was just thinking about him before I wrote the post and it evolved to something else entirely.

tangina my heart

morning: bursts of sunshine and tiny droplets of rain

westernly wind and
an urge to leap through the night.

Things were starting to dim when
"Come on over."

bass drum in syncopated beats

Most people have luxuries they can't give up; this is mine.

I like being young at heart. It's something that I would never grow out of and would never like to anyway.
--
This feeling is new to me again.
--
I want to start drawing and learn painting. I also need  my own camera badly.
--
I will forever associate the romanticism of bus stops to you.

Dear Doctor

I would like to give my sincerest apologies because I'm deeply infatuated. Please don't get mad. I didn't intend for this to happen.

I'm back

I miss going to the doctor. I have totally neglected myself and I recognize that now. I need to take care of myself more. I need to be with my family. I've been sucked in by the grandeur of youth. I must find balance.

Nevermind this infatuation I am supposed to be feeling but could no longer because I'm not manic. I must watch my mood and feelings especially when I'm manic. Being down, at least I know I'm down and I try my best to fight even if only in my mind, even if I could not. But being manic, I revel at how high up I am and forget.

So, fuck stress, fuck crushes, fuck drugs. Let's do this. Let's get better once again.

Dahil Gusto Kita

Ang gulo ng lahat, internal at eksternal, ngunit masaya ako kapag kasama ka. Sapat na ba 'yon? Handa akong maghintay hanggang ika'y maging handa; hahawakan mo ba ang kamay ko? Sana'y bigyan mo naman ako ng pagkakataon, hindi na baleng mabigo. Bigyan mo na ako ng sagot, hindi ko man matanong.

Ngayon lang ako naka-relate sa kantang Bakuran, utang na loob.

Ang huling dalawang araw na nakasabay kita sa biyahe ng bus

Kasabay nang paggiba sa lumang overpass ng Philcoa ang desisyon kong magpaalam na sa nararamdaman ko sa 'yo.

Noong araw na sabay tayong lumuwas mula sa Muntinlupa papuntang rally, sabay din tayong umuwi mula UP. Saktong-sakto, pauwi ako galing sa isang meeting sa Sarah's, ikaw mula sa org event sa Maskom. Nagkita tayo sa ilalim ng overpass.

--

Hindi ko makakalimutan ang gabing una kitang napansin, galing rehearsal shoot, sa bahay nina CPG, sa harap ng book shelf.
Pangalawang beses pagkatapos ng shoot, sa apartment, nag-aagawan ng patutugtugin.
Pangatlong beses sa UP, pagkagaling mong 10K run. Proud ako kahit wala akong karapatan. Pumunta tayo sa lumang clay court.
Pang-apat na beses sa Sarah's, kakauwi lang ni Rob galing Cebu. Ang pogi mo no'n.
Lagi't lagi na kitang napapansin pagkatapos no'n.

May mga panahong akala ko ayaw ko na sa 'yo. Noong una dahil ang hirap mong abutin, pagkatapos ay meron ka palang ibang gusto. Pagkatapos ay ibang mahal.

--

Kaya ititgil ko na, at bukas ay iiiwan sa overpass.

pag may ibang mahal yung mahal mo

actually okay lang. ba't kaya. medyo hindi okay, pero okay lang. lamuyon? hahaha. di kasing devastating ng inaasahan.

haaaaaaaaaaaay, B.

okay, hanap ulit ng bago. hehe.

ikaw lang ang gusto

sa kinahaba-haba ng mga araw ko, natatapos lang sa pag-iisip sa 'yo, sa pag-alala sa huling usap natin, at sa pagninilay kung masarap na ba ang tulog mo.

the more you ignore me the closer i get

I miss writing as much as I miss reading second-hand books and watching Studio Ghibli films. I promise I will make time next month. This sould needs to be fed. And I need to have breakfast now.

do i wanna know?

hi i'm crashing
so many shit has happened
i don't even know what to write anymore

quick updates?
C and I are working together on an indie film. it wasn't by chance, i asked him to help. i know. i don't know. we're not getting back together, no.
went on a loc hunt with JN, went to zambales, subic, bataan. i want to go with her on the next trip but i have a shoot.
i have too many things on my plate. i pushed myself too far so now here i am, can't move. i'm trying my best though. i cooked a little dinner and will be starting meditation in a while.
my stomach hurts because i didn't eat the whole day ugh