xxMNL

morning texts

I woke up this morning to my girl friend JN's call. Her car was in coding so she had to wait until 10am before she could go home. She called to ask if we could hang out at my place. After I hung up the phone with Jenine, I noticed 5 new messages. Lo and behold, apparently,both F and HuBu were texting me, asking where I was.

I've got nothing to say.

Boys

I'm starting on medication again tonight. Why my doctor prescribed Risperidone is beyond me. This shit's expensive i.e. P100 per tablet! Well, if it helps, right?

I'm confused about F.

This was our text convo:

Me: psst.
F: Po
Me: takas tayo.
F: San punta
Me: ewan ko. haha. kahit saan.
F: What time?
Me: di ko alam. pag tinamad ako bukas na lang. hehe. text kita. anong oras ka ba pwede?
Me: uy, by the way, *insert blah blah work related stuff blah blah*
F: *blah work related reply blah*
Me: *blah blah work* punta kang bahay mamaya. :D
F: San un
Me: *insert apartment's location*
no reply
Me: *blah blah work* nexf fime na lang tayo. tamad na ako lumabas. :)
F: Ha?
M: ha what?
Me: nevermind. posted the shoot sched na sa group. salams!

He was real busy while we were texting, he was in the middle of a theater production. No matter, this is how he always replies, na parang per word ang bayad sa text.

Ako ba 'yung malabo?

My chat convo with HuBu the other night was weird too.
JL hasn't happened yet and I don't think it will.

Time to move on to better things, or better boys.

It's not that I want a romantic or sexual relationship. I just want to hang out really. I just find myself missing having conversation and hanging out with guys. Don't get me wrong, I love my girl friends, especially my rommates. Really, I do. But I had already spent so much time of my life being really close to guys, and anyway, I'd be feeling the same way about girls had I been living with guys.

I want guy friends! Huhu.

Uphill Battles

Can this day get any worse?

I need my meds. Bad.

I was starting to "lighten up". Talking with my roommates. Until I tripped on the electric fan's wire which caused a short circuit and blah and blah and blah.

I am bound to fail in life.

Maybe I need to sleep this off?

We'll see.

Okay, I tried. Also crashed, and burned.

I'm not sure if I should text F. Or do I not like him that much?

We'll see tomorrow, we'll see. I'm sure I can get through one more night.

And I just remembered, loads to do this week. Gaddemit Part 725547.

It's my 13th day today without any sexual action. I know it sound so petty but it's really driving me mad. I need to have sex with someone before I move on with work! I really do. It's going to be a busy week and I really need to relieve unnecessary stress. Gaddemit.

I have no idea how to do this hooking up thing. I'm trying to just follow my instincts, but sometimes I get scared. Like tonight. I think I just passed up on an opportunity.

You'd think being 24 makes it easier to get action.

Oops, I'm turning 25 in less than a month. Damn.

Sex

solid.
'di ko alam kung ma-re-relieve ako o ma-fu-frustrate na kanina pa kami magka-chat hindi pa rin n'ya 'ko yinayaya.
ang dali ko naman palang i-resist. hahaha.
shit.
should i make a move?
hindi rin e. maaga raw s'yang gigising mamaya.
damn.
what is this libido.

i need my mood stabilizer.

Ayoko kay Nathan Azarcon, bukod na lang kapag tumutugtog s'ya ng bass.

Ayoko na sa ex ko kahit kailan. Kahit kailan.

Gusto ko talaga mag-bass si Nathan. At ang fingers. Jusko.

Actually sobrang galing ng lahat ng m'yembro ng Bamboo individually. 'Di ko lang maintindihan kung ba't 'di nila sinagad sa mga kanta nila. Noypi was genius. Pero sobrang solid naman nilang mag-live e. Sobrang galing. Wala pa akong napapanood na ibang banda na nakakapantay sa galing nilang mag-live. Honest.

Tangina. Meron akong isang taong crush na crush na crush ko lang talaga. Sobrang crush ko s'ya hindi ko masabi kahit kanino.

So, eto, sasabihin ko kay Rob.

Okay, so NR s'ya sa confession ko.

Pero crush ko talaga si B, utang na loob. Tapos nakakadagdag thrill lang na bukod sa wala akong pag-asa sa kanya, hindi rin talaga kami pwedeng mangyari.

Pero ang kyot kyot n'yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Thursday

Did absolutely nothing today. Ate a lot, but that's about it. For someone as broke as I am, I sure do eat way more than what I earn.

Ang lungkot maging ako, sa totoo lang. Wala akong reli sa mundo.

Oo, 'yun ang realization ko ngayong araw; sa totoo lang, irrelevant ako.

Medyo masaklap. Pero enlightening.

Dahil ba ganito ako ay ititigil ko na ang mga ginagawa ko? Or do I strive to be relevant? May point ba ang pagiging relevant? Meron. Pero kailangan bang lahat ng bagay ay relevant?

I want to forget about guys. Most of the time it's fun messing around. But on nights like this? No, I'm fine, thank you.

And I'm awfully sleepy. I still have work to do though.

But I don't think I can still do them tonight.

And I'm broke.

I'm going crazy thinking about what I've been doing. Throwing myself to different men. It felt great then; I didn't really care. I mean, I'm confident with who I am so who gives, right?

But right now, depressed as I am, I'm starting to think that that was very lowly of me. Throwing myself around. Gah.

Okay, I'm confused.

Funny Thing

I still found myself wondering why he texted. I read the message almost two hours late and although all I replied was a cold, "Yup?" I still can't get it out of my head. Does he need something again? Will I oblige again this time? I certainly hope not. Enough. I don't want to have anything to do with my anymore. I will try my best. I don't want another chauvinistic male in my romantic life. Especially someone who thinks his talent is a gift from God. Oh, spare me.

I'm still wondering why he texted though. Maybe I'm just saying all of these because I don't want to get disappointed and prove the fact that he only remembers me when he needs something.

Trigger dappy

I have been depressed since this morning. Of course there was a trigger.

I went to the SONA rally yesterday and it went crazy.
To top it off, I was with my ex.

Confusing shit.

I want to go to UP for a walk. But it's been raining the whole day. MLIA.

Ramdam

Bakit ba ang sarap ng bawal?! Utang na loob.

Nababaliw na 'ko. Kailangan kong magpakalma. LITHIUM. Nakakatamad lang lumabas para bumili. Fuck.

Sobrang naturally high ko kaya kong kainin ang buwan ngayong gabi.

Medyo kumalma ako sa yosi. Pero nahihilo ako. Meron nga pala ako ngayon. Damn this bipolar life.

Kailangan ko yata talaga ng dyowa para hindi kung sinu-sino ang pinapatulan ko.


Bumuga ako, dahan-dahan
Nakapikit
Humithin ulit ako ng isa pa
Pinanood ko ang usok na umikot
Papalayo, hanggang maglaho

IKR

man.

i am so fucked up.

i just had semi-sex with one of my closest guy friends in the world.

Hello, Stranger

It's been a while since I've been here. Or has it?

I've been a rollercoaster of a whirlwind on a sunny day with thunderstorms. I haven't been doing my work and have been spending most of my time bumming around, drinking and smoking.

This is what it's like to be happy and a mess at the same time. My mood dictates that I'm depressed but I still have that spark in my heart whenever I choose to look for it.

There's a guy I like. I have to say that I'm in no hurry with these things. Besides, I'm not sure if I do like him or this is just one of those in-the-moment whims. Aside from being careful with my own feelings, I'd also have to be careful with his. Nobody likes a bitch. Our situation's complicated though and I don't think we can ever be together in the real world. Like a beautiful cliche, we are but a dream.

I know that what we have is not going anywhere but I still wish we could hang out more. Spend long conversations and comfortable silence. Coffee, cigarettes, pavements, music, the works. Sue me, there's unbelievable bliss in being romantic.

No to Basic

The black hole at the pit of my stomach is back.

I don't get enough sleep, I binge a lot, and I am incessantly anxious. I just don't want to mess this up. I'm going to work hard on this one.

I just have to try my best to not lose my job in the process. Better time management, less social life.

I'm going to be busy, busy, busy, busy, busy.

1. Secure venue for shoot

2. Turnover PM things to the real PM

3. Budget breakdown

4. Create database of funding opps and grants

5. Devise crowdfunding strategy

6. Create and develop marketing presentation / pitch design

Number 1 and 2 is okay. Must be able to achieve these within the week.

Numbers 3 to 6 however...

Man, I should really be catching up on my real day job back log.

baliw

So I kind of broke my phone I think. I'm not sure how it happened but it's driving me nuts. Just the thought of F texting and me not being able to read the message makes me want to throw a fit. But I must deal with it with impeccable grace. Nobody likes a whiner. This mercury retrograde will soon pass.

I'm not sure what would be more disappointing, not being able to read his message or him not texting.

Dancing With Myself

I'm just feeling really heartbroken right now. I can't take it that I can't get what I want. I think, more than anything else, that's what irks me. I guess part of being Bipolar is being raised a spoiled brat. Or is it the other way around? You grow up acting like a spoiled brat because you're Bipolar? Man. Anyway, I want it and I want it now. I shouldn't have delayed. What was I expecting, some form of itimacy? Please. All guys really want is to get into a girl's pants. I don't know where the love things come from anymore. I think that just happens eventually once you've built intimacy and yes, dependence. So what is this I'm feeling then? Does it mean that I have another motive other than the sex? Was I expecting to date him? I guess I was bit expecting, huh? Why can't I live a normal promiscuous life? Why do I always have to get feelings involved? I guess I just find it more exciting when you really like each other or at least pretend that you like each other than when what you really want is to hook up. I guess that's romantic. But romantic is romantic for a reason. Believe me, romantic is exciting.

I guess what I really want is a constant companion that I can fuck.

Get a grip, man.

And I miss him, I miss him so badly. I want it. I want to devour his existence one second and cuddle with him the next. The previous one drived me wild, but this one's different; he drives me crazy. Now I get what Britney Spears was talking about.  I can't stop thinking about him 24/7. I even dream about it. And yes, in spite of all this, I don't want him as a boyfriend. I just want him.

Now I think he might have thought that I broke up with my ex because of him and he got paranoid. Well, that would explain how he had gone MIA all of a sudden. My life sucks. I have already broken up with that toxic guy and he still brings me misery. Damn.

Now I'm angry.

And I'm chatting with a cute guy. Bye.

Crashing

is when everything seems worthless.
Nothing seems fun.
I can't tell stories.
My jokes aren't funny.
I want to quit work.
My body feels sleepy all day.
All charm are stripped off me.
Lame, pathetic, desperate.