ending like this without even knowing
how it would have started
crushes, grinds my soul
it could have been a different timeline
if it had not been
if it would have been

sparklers

sometimes it's okay
to see rainbows across a clear glass
and there's no problem in
reveling on the weather
an instinct of
a chilly night; the right, perfect time
and grandeur of
the loud, screaming sun
anticipation of the now
not tomorrow or the next
just the moment of skipping through beats
racing through multitudes of pictures and places
not caring somehow
about the shadows running past
feeling what it is
the warmth of the red or even the blue
sparks.

Moving too fast

Maybe I am rushing things or maybe I just don't know how to say no.

And in retrospect, these are two things--rushing things and not saying no--I have always been guilty of.

I think things are going to be better from today. Aside from my still really broke ass.

Tinding mood killer din ng ex ko. Very effective. Ngayon parang nawalan na tuloy ako ng gana. O baka 'yung fact din na magkikita na kami ng crush ko finally ang nakakawala ng thrill. 'Wag kasing minamadali, sayang 'yung kilig, nauubos.

a chair is a chair

maybe i'm leaning too low,

but revisiting words

there must be something on why

not just a whim of the cold winds and rusty night,

even as a dream it wouldn't have been

just a passage of space across my sight

for it is

as any creation is

as a moss on a rock,  

as the moon is

Here we are again

And then I realized I didn't have to delete this blog. I just had to change the URL.

At this very moment I have the following thought/realizations/epiphanies for the day:

1. Gym Class Heroes sounds so much heavier live than on recording.
2. I can't have my Facebook friends reach 200..
3. I thought I already grew tired of him but because he didn't reply to my message I'm on my toes again. Well-played.
4. When a person is missing from Facebook, it doesn't mean that they've actually gone missing in real life.
5. I have totally forgotten about the Purple Pills song by D12. And I never knew until now that it was actually "Pills" and not "Hills" like in the radioversion. SMH.
6. I have only discovered SMH recently.
7. Hollest is Skype's former CEO; you know, the hidden emoticon (hollest).
8. My head is too big for my body and I really have ugly, bony legs.
9. I have confirmed that I can get really obsessive with people I like.
10. Zee Avi really does send me to sleep. <3 (Even for a short while.)

Wala pa ring mas effective na pampatulog sa mahabang pag-iyak.

I just deleted my most recent post, and in a few days I'm taking this blog down. There is no point in keeping it if I will not be able to post whatever I want anyway, which was supposedly why I created it in the fist place.

Okay, I'm going to get fired from work today. kthxbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Biglaan

hazy, like the night
you touched me
I flinched, both from
fear and ecstasy

we live for the anticipation
counting the days of not knowing
where one is, what one feels
until we meet on the stage
behind the curtains

please let this not be farce

---

Sa bawat tanong, bawat piglas,
bawat pagdadalawang-isip
at pagtataka kung bakit nga ba,
ang tanging sagot na maibibigay ko:
Para sa 'ting dalawa

Papalapit, mula magkatabi hanggang magkadikit
Gusto ko, ayaw ko, mali 'to, ngunit
naging saksi ang bukang-liwayway
kung alin ang bungang pinatamis
at alin ang hininog nang kulang at pilit

Naalimpungatan pa, gising nang damdamin
Ito ang uniberso at wala tayong panalo
"Masyado kang nakakatuwa," bulong ko sa kawalan.
Nginitian ko s'ya at tinignan nang matagal
bago tumayo at naglakad papalayo

post hoc ergo propter hoc

I knew it. Things were going to crumble sooner or later. Now things are impossibly complicated and I'm losing grip of myself. I should just give up on life altogether, I just keep messing it up anyway.

motherfucker

grabe hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa 'kin or alam ko pero somehow ayaw kong intindihin o hindi ko lang maintindihan kasi hirap akong mag-handle ng feelings pero alam mo yun anyway kanina hassle sobra sa labas pupunta dapat akong QC pero sa sobrang inis ko pumunta na lang ako sa pinakamalapit na convenience store at bumili ng junk food; as in ice cream, pop corn, beer, etc. so syempre i thought nahanap ko na ang silver lining sa kabila ng lahat ng panic at triggers pero wala lang the night didn't turn out as awesome as i expected  parang imbis na magkaroon ng worth it me time feeling ko nag-aksaya lang ako ng oras at sana nagtrabaho na lang ako so ngayon nagtatrabaho ako

bukas may house party akong pupuntahan tapos sa sabado tatambay ako sa south ang hassle tangina pano ako magigising non tapos sobrang pangit ko pa naman kapag kinabukasan ng inom grabe lang yung superficial concerns ko nag-nail polish nga ako ngayong gabi ewan ko rin kung bakit ko naisip na may maitutulong 'yon sa pagkatao ko pero turns out wala gusto ko na nga tanggalin kaso sayang

haaay ginugutom na naman ako mukhang kulang pa yung snacks na binili ko sa convenience store ang baboy ko alam ko namang kelangan kong i-moderate ang junk food sa totoo lang kasi mas nakaka-depress ang comfort food kesa nakaka-comfort well now you know

di ko na maintindihan love life ko pucha feeling ko tuloy nag-aantay na lang ako ng mangyayari dahil wala na akong gana pang ayusin at nag-a-act na lang ako according to instincts ayoko na mag-put in ng effort at ginagawa ko na lang 'yung feel kong gawin

minsan na-ca-catch ko na naman 'yung sarili ko daydreaming about the perfect boyfriend na syempre too good to be true at walang ganon sa tunay na buhay okay lang din naman sa kin walang boyfriend wala akong problema na tumanda na cat lady itigil ko na kasi kakapanood ko ng romcom

Give me a bittersweet ending

Two weeks ago, I was ready to say I love you.

For a while, we were okay. I thought that, finally, things would change. But hearing myself say these words now just makes me want to hit myself in the head. I've thought this too many times before, what made me think it would be different this time?

I don't remember what happened nor why I had a sudden change of heart. But I remember the feeling. I never forget the feeling. I don't remember what was said because I rarely talk back anymore. Whenever hurtful words are said I make sure it goes out of the other ear. Whenever I am hurt by your actions, I make sure to let it pass. No point in bearing unnecessary stress. So I let it go. But not the feeling. I just never forget the feeling.

Arundhati Roy said something about it in The God of Small Things, "When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do.They make people love you a little less"

I thought things would be better as long as I kept you on the edge and on your toes. That you'll strive as long as you weren't too comfortable. Man, I had really thought... Stop. I have to stop blaming my thoughts.

Ningas kugon.

Truth is, I don't want to talk about it anymore but we will, because you will ask--what happened? You were changing to a better person. You have a job now. You rarely go out with your friends anymore. I have no answer. I chose to forget it all. Except the feeling.

We're not even back to square one, we're way behind square one. And I don't know where we'll go from here. I'm just tired of fighting for something I'm not even sure of. For now, I feel myself slowly pulling away, yearning to let go, to move on, and to start over.

Too bad, I was ready to say I love you.

Some things happen in real life

I co-organized an event with a childhood friend last Saturday. We were grade school classmates and he's one of my last remaining contacts down south (Alabang-south). He currently owns a studio and is in a band with one of our former classmates. They were best friends then and still are.

Anyway, the event was last Saturday and things went well. Drank and smoked up, the usual. Except that it wasn't as hardcore as when you go to, say, a typical gig in B-Side, Saguijo, or Cubao Expo, where everyone's fucking wasted it goes past fun and back to not-fun.

I was supposed to be the host of the night but because, hello, this is me, I messed it up by being awkward and dorky. I couldn't even remember what I said and I even tried to smoke up thinking that it would give me more confidence and make me more talkative, because it usually does. All it did though was make me more jittery and forget what I was going to say. I couldn't say anything decent primarily because I was on foreign ground and I didn't know a single person in the audience.

I was saying things about who the previous band is, who the next band is, who the upcoming bands are, but what was going through my head was, "Hello, I don't know any of you. I don't know why I'm here. Where am I even? I don't know who the band that played was. I don't know who the next band is. Actually, I don't know any of the bands. Can I get out of here now?"

So after the second stint, I just stopped. I don't know which was worse, doing a bad job at hosting or quitting like a spoiled brat.

(My mood is coming down at the moment, so this post is starting to sound depressing, but Saturday night wasn't; it was just all things awkward.)

Well, life went on,.

Then it was time for my friends' band to play. My co-organizer was the drummer and our ex-classmate was the bassist. It was a challenging set for them because they couldn't hear themselves and 3/4 of the band were already wasted.

Anyway, it was before their last song I think when it happened. Their vocalist thanked me and at the same time decided that it would be brilliant to make fun of their bassist. It went something like this:

"Oh, yeah, happy birthday to (name of some guy)! Also, thanks to (my name) of Makati (I'm not even from Makati.) She was our emcee for the night. (Pause.) They said that our bassist used to have a crush on him. (Loud cheering from the crowd.) (Gaddemit, thisisnothappening.) I don't know. That's what my bandmates told me. (Cheering, shouting, whistling.) (Keep smiling. Be a sport. Just keep smiling.) Is that right , (name of bassist)? (Crowd cheered louder.) (Bassist shrugged.) (Crowd and band still laughing.) (I was already dead inside but my face was stuck in an awkward smile.)"

To top it off, this bassist lost his balance and fell off the stage in the middle of the song. I know. The stage in the bar was barely knee high so he was able to catch himself from falling face down and in an attempt to regain his balance, ended up sitting on the edge of the stage. It wasn't that bad. Still, it was bad.

While it was true that he did have a crush on me, we were twelve, for crying out loud! He looked creepy then, I never hung out with him and rolled my eyes whenever I would catch him looking at me. Yes, I was a little bitch. But I regret all of that now; he's a really decent guy and currently in a relationship with a really beautiful and charming girl but that's not the point.

The point is, I can't seem to stop embarrassing myself. I do it so effortlessly. Scenarios like this look so adorable on TV but believe me, in real life, it isn't. It's all good fun though, so, 'til next awkward moment. I get one everyday anyway.

Oh, and somebody uploaded a video of what happened to Facebook.

Filler Post

Diary entry alert. A day in a life nobody has to read.

I liked UP's class schedule, Wednesday being the mid-week break. Even if I had already left the "premier" university, when they implemented the Monday "lie low day" instead of Wednesday, I was appalled. For logical reasons, Wednesday was set as the in-between for the Mon-Tue and Thu-Fri stress so that students would have had enough time both for academics and everything else. Setting "Monday" as the third weekend instead of the usual "Wednesday" just to be in accordance to GMA's let's-commemorate-holidays-on-Mondays Act was beyond me. No matter how you look at it, Mondays were never meant to be a "lie-low" day and Wednesdays were perfect to do in-between stuff because of all obvious reasons. I'm just repeating myself herfe.

I have been working hard for half the week and I'm scheduled to do so until its end; I thought I would barely get to this Friday with my sanity still intact. Today though, a Wednesday, proved to be a lot of things. I am physically and emotionally exhausted but also  feel very together overall. I will have to wake up in 3 hours time but that's a problem to be dealt with later on. I'm just glad that I'm still given this slight chance of being human.

I should update my employers on what I've been up to today but I don't feel like it.
C and I are still talking. I'm sure I'll have the guts to tell him what exactly I've been feeling and thinking soon enough. Please wish that everything goes well.
I sincerely and desperately hope that this week ends up to be as productive as I expect it to be. JUST PLEASE.

That's all.
And I don't want to go on my event on Saturday but I have to because obviously I'm a co-organizer. Bleagh.

Stressing out stress

Obviously I can't handle stress very well having a mood disorder. I either sulk and do nothing or try to do everything and still end up focusing on nothing. Last week I could barely lift my head up from the pillow so much as plug in my laptop charger, now I want to do everything and more, but too many things are running in my head I'm on an internal panic. But it's the relatively nicer kind of hypomania, and I'm thankful.

I had been down for weeks which the recent job loss scare aggravated, and I only started feeling that I was going up again I guess just two days ago; I was able to finish a report for work and yesterday another one. It never comes without a cost though.

I can't express my emotions very well in person, or I express it too well, I don't know. It's either I end up bursting into tears or into an ugly fit of anger. There is a recent event that has been stressing me out, but I can't talk about it because it shouldn't really concern me. Part of me would like to believe that I just don't understand grief very well and the ways that people cope with it but the saner part of me knows that I'm sensible enough to know. 

I don't hold back much when I write here but this time I think it's better not to divulge much detail. One important thing though, and I've said this too many times before it must be the truth, I don't think C and I are going to work. It's too complicated and I don't think I should be in such a taxing relationship. I could easily give up the good times in exchange of losing the stressful scenarios too. While I recognize that all relationships are stressful, I should also recognize when it's time to let go. I JUST DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW OKAY. 

For the past almost two months, I really thought we could live like this. Me doing my thing, him doing his. I wouldn't even have to hang out with his friends and family when I don't want to (and believe me, I don't want to) and he assured me that I don't have to. But this recent event just turned the entire relationship a whole 180 degrees.

I know that he's not feeling well, he's sad and all, but I just can't empathize. Not only that I can't empathize, it also annoys me when he opens up to me and says the wrong things. But I guess it's true love when you ask the person how he feels and listen to him in spite your internal turmoil. True love is something I'd rather pass out on then.

Why be with someone with friends and family you don't want to be with? And on the other hand, why be with someone who doesn't want to be with your friends and family?

So, C, if you're reading this, please break up with me. See, I'm not even decent enough to do it myself.

---

I'll probably regret posting this and it will probably ruin the life of me despite trying my best to keep it toned down (yes, that is toned down, it's all worse inside my head). Oh, well.

Random Lists to See If I'm Still Alive Dot Com

At the top of my head, what makes me smile, rocks my socks off, and makes me warm and fuzzy inside LATELY (meaning I might have a different list entirely tomorrow depending on my mood):

• Natalie Portman
• Chatting online (sometimes)
• When someone randomly suggests a song
• Daft Punk
• Vampire Weekend
• Zac Efron and Hairspray
• Caravan Palace
• When our neighbor plays One Direction 
• (the previous 5 being they provide me) an opportunity to break out into a song and dance number
• Breakfast in the middle of the night (read: bacon)
• My youngest brother being witty and silly
• Photos of things that we will never see again e.g. Global Gutz, Bubble Jug
• My father watching The Price is Right
• Little River Band, Bread, Dan England and John Ford Coley, you get the point
• Hanging out--and just hanging out, no work talk whatsoever--with the prod group

Well, that was a short, pathetic list. I rarely smile lately anyway and I can't really look at Portman's photos and watch Efron's videos all day. I'll try to make one again tomorrow.

I cannot believe people are still talking about this

• Mention the F-word to someone. Even if you don't get an explicit response, you can still deduce their reaction from their gesture. You will almost always notice a shudder or a quick shift of position. People are either afraid to talk about it (people roll their eyes when, you know) or agitated to talk about it with the purpose of debunking it when they do not understand that it is, and always has been, tied up to socio-economics. It's never just about the gender.
• Rape may not have been the main idea of Vice Ganda's joke but defining which-joke-is-what is the least of the things we need to concern ourselves about. It reduced "rape" to something as mundane as a supporting idea to a superficial "fat" joke and that's that. If you don't think rape is wrong and is serious as fuck, you probably also like jokes about The Holocaust then.
• The joke was foul, that is a given. But would it have elicited this much commotion had Jessica Soho not been the subject? Of course not. People are more alarmed that this was done to someone who supposedly sits on a higher moral, intellectual, and admit it, socio-economic ground. Oh, please. We should be clamoring for responsible journalism as much as we are asking for the sanctioning of this type of entertainment.
• This is a battle of the giant networks, that should also be a given. Do I still need to explain this? In any case ABS-CBN admits defeat (which will not happen) and Vice Ganda indeed does get sanctioned for this, what good will that bring then to the fight for gender equality, as clearly, that's what most Jessica Soho defenders are supposedly banking on. You're right, Miss Soho, this is not about you, but the retaliation clearly was not about women liberation either.
• The elite also exists in media if you haven't noticed. This boils down to the use of media as an intellectual state apparatus. Similar to the tug of war of the majority and minority in our political system's national level, we are stuck in the middle of this debacle that neither enlightens the consumers nor engages them in a real democracy. People are only given the chance (or more aptly, the illusion) to comment, bash, and choose their sides but only in their personal spaces. Nobody talks about the real issue in the news. There is no clear and alternative explanation offered except in the tiny spaces within the internet (which will also cease to exist if they pass the Cybercrime Prevention Act into law). 
• The state doesn't like it when people know things. The state doesn't like it when people's opinions are different from what they're taught to believe. The state likes spectacles like this because it takes the attention away from the real problems. The state likes controversies like this because it keeps the people ignorant and on the surface. So why does sexism still exist? Why do the masses vote for someone like Nancy Binay and Bam Aquino? Why do the giant networks air crappy telenovelas that romanticize being oppressed and maltreated? The state condones and perpetuates this type of media--and culture--because it benefits from it, and vice versa. Welcome to the status quo, ladies and gentlemen.
• So-called issues like this will arise and die down much to our amusement and disgust over and over again. There really is nothing we can do about this unless we tear the system down. You get me?