Please.

Enough! (Para!)
Older brother, by the side. (Kuya, sa tabi lang.)

You already. (Ikaw na.)

for that bittersweet forbidden breathtaking creature

funny how you make me nervous about this

and sometimes about other things

like will he laugh or is this too much or will he like it

crazy how i think about how you smell like a place i've always dreamt of going to

but wouldn't know because i haven't yet

and yet you feel like something i have been in the past

like that tireswing two blocks away

i wish my eyes had a camera

so i wouldn't have to always give you a second look

or a third

and read you like a favorite chapter of the book

again and again

and see the layers, and discover new things

everytime i do

figuring out the surface

and getting amazed by the depth

and i'll take you places

literally and not so

and tell you things

i wouldn't dare let you know
know your favorite song, learn it and sing it
know your favorite film, watch it, memorize it, re-enact it
know you and your desires
may it be wordly may it be romantic
may it be idealist
like spend a day inside your brain
see what you follow what you crave
which revels you

and i don't know if i should say this

at this time

and by this

but heck, i'm the one writing

for your information

you. drive me wild. man.

i would like to know which words you use the most
put them in a little black notebook
so i would never forget

discover the known and the unknown
take what i can get

RB

Rebound pa? But it hurts too much to do it. Emotionally I mean.

Awake Still

I hate you aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall! Angst kung angst but fact remains, I hate you aaaaaaaaaaaaaall!

Lately, all I do is Tweet. Baka makatsamba lang ng makakabasa.

erase and rewind

i thought i was ready for the reconciliation until i realized that you haven't changed one bit

Comfortable Silence

Sitting/lying down/lying on the stomach with two girlfriends. No talking but company's all I need.

HOT

I'm supposed to attend a meeting 45 minutes from now but, hell, read: Hangover. I'm not sure about this gig thing. Because: no pay. Never dreamt of becoming a starving artist, if you must know.

The weather's too hot I'm hallucinating.

4/21

Tangina n'yong lahat sige mag-beach kayo. Eww. Hahahahaha.

Sunday on a Wednesday

Today's going to be a wonderful day. Still nervous about the play rehearsal but whatevs! So muuuuch to look forward to. Ah. :)

Where Is My Mind?

Today I had to rush home and then rush back to QC. I'm doing wardrobe (again), this time it's for a play. It feels weird and different and new. But new is good, right?

I am forcing myself to get back on track. To choose "life" (in the most normative sense of the word), once and for all. Or maybe just for now, you know, and then get back to making La Vie Bohemme the soundtrack of mi life.

I do miss some things. Some friends. Which/who are no longer available. My options were few. Now they're down to almost none.

What's The Story, Morning Glory?

I am trying to be composed and civil with all these. We're friends. Friends, friends, friends. Nothing more. :|

I have to head to my rents' house RIGHT NOW 'cause my father (ugh) needs files from this friggin' laptop.

I seriously want to barf. Good morning!

Nail-biting

I am angsty, I am feisty
I cuss, I shout
I am mean, I am stubborn
I am all of these and more

I nail-bite when I'm thinking
when I'm confused
when I'm nervous

When I'm in a car
I always sit indian-style, I
look out the window
and sing out loud

When at a party
I am timid, I am shy
I am the wallflower
I say "Hi."
Uhm, awkward

Unless
I am high
as fuck
take note: as fuck

I am random, spontaneous
Difficult, complicated
But I
hate surprises

And I think, I think too much.

I Think

Lollipops, cigarettes, music

Good as they sound

But hurts as it feels

Attempt 2

He offered to buy me a drink for a favor I did. I said, no, it's nothing, charge it to friendship. He laughed and said thanks a bunch. He told me he misses his girlfriend. I said, distance can be good sometimes, it heightens the craving. He laughs and says nothing.

And I, am pathetic.

So, what happened really?

I was vulnerable--heart-broken, crushed, in a i-wish-the-world-would-end-right-now sort of mindset--you know the works. And suddenly, poof, he started giving attention. His charming scorching hot self tempting me with his charming, scorching hot self. We chat and we text all day and all night, never running out of things to talk about. Sexy things, even.

So. One weekend. It happened. It was new, awkward, bittersweet and I guess, quite awesome.

And the days that follow were a mess. Suddenly I'm back to being the nobody. The friend. No. The good friend. Hence, the angst (i.e. this).

So. I have decided. I'm staying away from you.

Attempt.

Get drunk. Get sober. Get high. Go crash. When all you really want is stay in your room and do things (like this.)

High like/as the moon

I need to get out of this poverty. How is the question.

It's always heartbreaking when the friends you badly need/want to see and talk to are not there/available (for you). Like no matter what your FB friend count tells you, reality is, your options are few. 

YOU.

THIS is the last I'm writing about you and--deities help me--the last moment I'll waste thinking about you. It was one weekend. One bittersweet forbidden breathtaking weekend. And, know what, I don't regret it one bit. But why, you wonder, do I suffer? Simple. I WANT YOU.

Now, ENOUGH. Done. Over. From here on out, you are Eternal Sunshined.

Rekindle

Just what was that? You've been cold and distant for days and without warning you show up with that boyish charm. That's just unfair.

Black Hole a.k.a my room

I've been holing up for days now. I'm forcing myself to go out tonight.

Yes, I've been a bad, bad girl

Ooooooooh, boy.

Tonight

I've got a lot of stories with me. Ones I would keep and never tell. Ones I wish I could forget. Ones I know I'll never get over with.

Facebook Official

There will come a time when we will be telling our grandchildren how our lives were ruined when our boyfriend/girlfriend Facebook Official-ed the break-up.

I Need A Ge-ge-getaway

1. C and I are over

2. I am in lust with someone else. Nothing to do with the break-up though, this realization came afterwards. A rebound? Not impossible.

3. Shoot is over. I've been in hibernation for the last 2 nights and will do the same tonight.

4. No money. Art does not pay well.

5. I need a serious drink.

Vertigo
Anne Stevenson

Mind led body
to the edge of the precipice.
They stared in desire
at the naked abyss.
If you love me, said mind,
take that step into silence.
If you love me, said body,
turn and exist.